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PUT AWAY THE DAMN SMOKE MACHINES

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Put them away when the recruits are around, and just to be sure you don't get a secondary violation from the NCAA or have to report one yourself, obey the following rules to avoid "Game simulations" of any sort whatsoever.

--Empty stands. (University of Colorado and others as judged acceptable under this term. Hey, don't blame us: blame Google's first image result for "empty stands college football." )

emptystandsbuffs

--Introduce football recruits over loudspeaker...at student parking office administration building.

--Refrain from saying the word "Football" in connection with anything. Instead, make references to "American strategy dashing," "Collisionball," "Smashypants," "Oblate Spheroid Chase," "Directed Tag," "Concussery," "Interesting Rugby," and "Freedom Crushball."

--Scoring touchdowns (Syracuse, Auburn, and Mississippi State Universities excepted from this by rule.)

--The presence of cheerleaders in uniform at any event, who must by rule be out of their uniforms. (And not like that, you sad, sad person you.)

--Screaming, incoherent drunks yelling at recruits full bore. (Only permitted if screaming, incoherent drunks are in fact boosters, and they usually are.)