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DEY TURK URR JAMES!

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Poaching coaches is touchy. Poaching Auburn coaches from Alabama or vice versa takes touchy, douses it in gasoline, hangs a tire around its neck and sets the whole thing on fire before kicking it downhilll to a shoreline cliff where the person believes they are to be extinguished by the merciful waters of the sea, only to find they have been booted into a large lake full of pure kerosene.

James Willis, Auburn LB coach and recruiter, has been hired by Nick Saban to coach at Alabama in the middle of recruiting season, which is a bit like looking up to find one's best hunting buddy in season pointing a rifle not at the 12 point buck below your tree, but at you instead. The always complete--read very, very thorough--Joe Cribbs Car Wash proposes calm reflection, the nickname "Bad Lando," and some MS Paint therapy for Auburn fans, but we suggest something even more theraputic: repeating "THEY TOOK OUR JAMES" in refrains of ever-degrading clarity, a la South Park.

DURK UR JAAAAAHHHH. Auburn was likely semi-screwed as most first-year coaches are in recruiting, especially with Saban in full, sleepless Armani-clad overdrive in Tuscaloosa. Alabama currently sits at fifth in Rivals' class rankings, and could rise higher if they sign the usual Saban 58 signee recruit class. (Please, please, please let Alabama oversign. Please. It's worth the Brian Cook Piece/Alabama Death Threat Rage tango, and we have eight months of offseason to fill.)

Also: please note North Carolina bumping up there at number six. Butch Davis, a miserably failure at scouting pro talent, has apparently found his niche again: scouting talent that can't legally drink.