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FASHION ACCESSORIES: THE ASSISTANT IS THE NEW SISSY BAG

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We EDSBS, and in this fashion update, we ain't dissin' no one, but just talking facts: we ain't carrying no sissy-ass bags. (Warning: language, extremely sincere and thorough complaints about men carrying purses and wearing anything but ill-fitting clothes and fitteds.)

What are we carrying as the fashion essential of the 09? The assistant as crutch, the hot accessory of 2009 for any football program and a relatively inexperienced head coach. Kiffykins--already distracting the masses by bringing his thin, blonde wife to the podium and buying himself another year on the contract--started the trend in earnest, hiring both his father and the Orgeron to join him in Knoxville. This quieted those who believed he would not have enough veteran guidance on the staff, recruiting muscle to lean on while he develops relationships locally, or someone to show him how to operate the copier properly. Together they make the LEEAGUEA DISTINGWUISHT GENNAHMEN, and their powers together could be formidable.

The trend continues at Auburn, where the flashy hire of Gus Malzahn gets a snazzy match today: Trooper Taylor, known as the last flash of new blood in the Fulmer-era Tennessee program and assistant at Oklahoma State this season, will be brought on board to further allay fears among Auburn faithful that Gene Chizik alone can't revive the program. (A. May not have needed reviving, B. "fears" not strong enough noun there.--ed.)

Taylor is a monstrous recruiter and gospel choir motivator in the locker room, and is a fine accessory for the fashion season of 2009. He also enjoys jumping up and down.