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BOWL PREVIEW PREVIEWS: HUMANITARIAN BOWL

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The Roady's Humanitarian Bowl is on at 4:00 EDT. It features Maryland and Nevada, though no one's sure why, exactly. This is a metapreview of that game, meaning it was written while staring into a heatlamp while snorting ground-up ritalin off a razor blade, and contains little actual information of the direct sort.

TEARS OF THE BUN: SCENE ONE

SCENE: Refugee camp, Boise, Idaho. Extras cough theatrical coughs in between wailing at the sky. A low thumping from the east reveals helicopters thumping their rotors against the brilliant yellow blastlight of a rising sun. The choppers touch down.

Armed men exit. Colonel RALPH FRIEDGEN enters the frame, his handsome chins framed in the light.

FRIEDGEN: Where are our support troops?

COMMANDER CHRIS TURNER steps into frame.

TURNER: They...there are only 800 of them at most, sir.

FRIEDGEN: We're stranded out here.

TURNER: Yessir. That happens when you lose games down the stretch and Clemson actually travels to bowl games. It's a heapshitpile, sir.

FRIEDGEN: Yes, it is.

TURNER: But the Roady's guys gave us these goody bags full of over-the-counter methamphetamine substitutes and porn mags, coach. We're not completely stranded.

FRIEDGEN: We could run...but that's not what soldiers do.

We'll take on the Wolfpack and their eight foot tall, 200 pound anorexic white Vince Young of a quarterback.

TURNER: Yes sir.

FRIEDGEN: And we'll muddle around for four quarters like we always do.

TURNER: Yes sir.

FRIEDGEN: And we'll get back in the game off a punt return or a reverse, only to win or lose it by three points with no real ability to control which way it goes because that's how we do at Maryland.

TURNER: That's right, sir.

FRIEDGEN: Where's Heyward-Bey, Turner?

TURNER: I don't know, sir. Why do you ask?

FRIEDGEN: Just remind me to ignore him for three quarters, and then finally get him the ball when we're closest to actual doom and everyone knows he's getting it.

TURNER: Right.

FRIEDGEN pauses, and casts a steely glance into the distance.

FRIEDGEN: God, you have the curls of an angel, Commander.

TURNER: Um, thank you sir.

FRIEDGEN: You use Bumble and Bumble on that, don't you?

TURNER: No, sir. This is all natural.

FRIEDGEN: You lying bitch.

Wolves growl in the distance. The men reluctantly suit up.

ANNOUNCER: Some wars you fight. Some wars fight you. And sometimes, you don't even know what you're fighting for, especially when you're the eighth bowl pick from the ACC and don't travel well.

TEARS OF THE BUN: It might be good. It might not. Just like Maryland on any given day.

"Tears of the Bun" is available for purchase as a screen play for 14.97 from Swindle Industries. Maryland doesn't even want to play this game, which is the Humanitarian Bowl, which will feature no more ACC teams after next year and hip hip huzzah for that.