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PAM WARD: GOD HELP THE BEAST IN HER

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"Ah, I remember that game. I watched that, probably on some barstool somewhere..."

--Pam Ward, re: the "Snow Bowl" Independence Bowl in 2000, during the ESPN broadcast last night of the 2008 Independence Bowl.

SCENE: Tricky Jane's Bar, Tampa, Florida. PAM WARD sits on a barstool. Sarah McLachlan's "Adia" plays in the background. PAM smokes a cigarette to the butt, and stubs it out in an ashtray.

Barkeep: Some game we got here, eh?

Pam: Yup. Some game.

Barkeep: Doesn't snow like that in Shreveport very often, does it?

Pam: Bring me another, Suze.

Barkeep: I...I can't Pam.

Pam: I've got money. I'll pay, Suze.

Barkeep: Your money's no good. I can't serve anyone eleven drinks in an hour.

Pam: I'm not just anyone. I'm gonna make play-by-play one day. I will. Just wait. I'll get out of this shithole sideline gig and call plays from the booth. I will.

Barkeep: Sure you will, Pam.

Pam: Her voice rises with anger. And not just the shitty 12 o'clock Big Ten games! I'm talking Ron Franklin's spot. I'll be there one day! I don't care how many bitches I have to kick in the honeypot to get there! I'll--

Barkeep: Pam, don't make me call the cops. Again.

Pam stumbles back off her barstool, looks at table of women chatting and smoking idly.

Pam: What are YOU looking at, Virginia Slims? GET SOME!!!

BRAWLING BETTY rolls up her sleeves and gets up slowly from her table.

BB: Are we gonna have to settle this Houston-style, lady?

She pulls a switchblade from her pocket. It snaps open with an evil click.

Barkeep: (Furiously dials 911, cracks out taser.)

Pam: Baltimore bitches don't need scalpels to operate, lady. Come get it.

Barkeep: Betty, leave that snake alone. You don't know what happens when it bites.

Betty: HYEEEAAAAGGGH----

A SCENE OF UNIMAGINABLE VIOLENCE ENSUES. Brawlin' Betty falls to the floor, unconscious and with a switchblade stuck in her forehead.

Pam: I...I did it again, didn't I? I...I just saw red and...it happened again...Oh God, not again...

Police sirens wail in the distance.

Barkeep: Take the back door. And don't ever come back here if you know what's good for you.

Pam: (Shaking and running toward the door...) I'll control it one day, I will...I will...I'm tired of running...and sleeping under overpasses...I'll control it...I will...

Barkeep: GO!!! (Pam runs into the darkening night, shoeless, covered in blood, and crying.)

Pam Ward has since gone on to become just one of two female play-by-play announcers on ESPN. The beast in her lies in wait most nights now, though she did kill Ron Franklin with a stapler in 2004. His subsequent appearances have been made by an impersonator, and his body was ground into hamburger and fed to Chris Berman in one sitting at an ESPN function in the same year.