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BOWL PREVIEW PREVIEWS: ALAMO BOWL

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Music: BowchikachikachikachikachikaBOWBOWBowchikachikachikachikachikaBOWBOW...

When a shy girl is hungry, and bored with studying...

...who else is she gonna call but...THE PIZZA BOY?

Shy girl wearing Northwestern sweatshirt: "Yes? I'm hungry for something hot. Now."

DING. DONG.

Shy girl wearing NW sweatshirt: "I'm not wearing pants. Oh, well, I'm so...hungry..."

Pizza Boy: I heard you needed a Meat Lover's, and you needed it...now.

ANNOUNCER: He'll give a smart girl all the learning she can handle. She'll get it back because, beneath his brusque exterior, this scoring machine has no defense to offer up whatsoever. In the end, though, he'll deliver all the extra sauce she can handle until she's full, because in this metaphor you're supposed to figure out that Northwestern will score but can't possibly keep up with a fully engorged Mizzou team suffering from the blue balls of failed expectations HOLY ENTANGLED CULINARY GRIDIRON SEXUAL METAPHORS.

Rated NC-17 for overextended sexual conceits and violence. THE PIZZA BOY, from Pinkel Sensual Enterprises and Lawn Care, LTD.

Tagline: The only delivery where you beg for the tip.

The Alamo Bowl is on ESPN at 8:00 p.m. EDT tonight. It is family-safe...we think.