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WHO WANTS TO HIRE A BLACK COACH?

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You know, you can hire black coaches. It's not against the law. Trust us, if you can do it in Mississippi, you can do it in any state in the union. (Mississippi, you're in the union. Trust us. We've checked the lying government maps.)

People do it all the time. For instance, were you aware that Tony Dungy is both the Super Bowl-winning coach of the Indianapolis Colts, and is black, too? Another example: Mike Tomlin, who despite sporting a chinstrap beard has proven himself as a capable head man at Pittsburgh. Or consider if you will the success of Lovie Smith, who led the Bears to the Super Bowl and had a superb career prior to Chicago as the defensive coordinator of the Tampa Bay Bucs.

Better still, consider that the NFL has proven its complete Colbertian colorblindedness by allowing black coaches to become what was only once a career path allowed for white coaches: the hopeless mediocre retread on the verge of exploding at any second.

Dennis Green is just a porky Norv Turner with extra melanin now, a name recognizable enough to fill a coaching position when you need someone who has both done the job before and knows how to clean out an office without too much fuss. If rewarding someone prior to achievement isn't the ultimate demonstration of cronyism triumphing over race, then you have stumped us on the question of a better definition of the concept.

College has done an abominable job developing black coaches from the bottom to the top, which is the main reason for their ranks being so thin at the top.

We like blaming ADs as much as anyone, but the racism begins with the appointment of graduate assistants and stems out from there. What drives that process is beyond the scope of this post, though we think the paltry salaries at the entry level might have something to do with it.

If you'd like a quality black coach at the college level, here's who you should hire, because most of them are years overdue for a shot at either their first gig, or something more lucrative than their current job.

Turner Gill, Buffalo HC. Is taking Buffalo to a bowl game. Read that again. Now, hire him and pay him.

Charlie Strong, Florida DC. We're voluntarily shooting ourselves in the foot by suggesting he become a head coach somewhere else, but Strong's been at the top of his profession as a defensive coordinator for almost a decade now and has had zero serious offers to be a head coach. Hire him. It'll hurt us, but hire him. You can even pay him not to button the top button of his golf shirts all the time, a habit which may be the only excuse besides outright racism to explain no one offering him a job yet.

Calvin Magee, Michigan OC. Didn't merely manage the West Virginia offense under Rich Rodriguez, but built a beautiful gameplan to upset Oklahoma last year in an effective audition for bigger and better things. Has seen the program-building process from the inside-out under Jim Leavitt at USF, where he was an original staff member. Would like it if you just came out and told him you were racist and didn't want to hire him because of the color of his skin, since you wouldn't be the first to do that.

Sylvester Croom, former head coach at Mississippi State. As long as he doesn't bring Woody McCorvey with him, he's a fine coach who occasionally worked miracles at Mississippi State in the long, bombed-out aftermath of the Jackie Sherrill era. Also: he's a retread, so hiring him would help further elevate black coaches at the college level to the status of their white colleagues. (Ty Willingham's just out there alone, people. He can't be the only one.)

And hell, while you're at it take a flyer on Trooper Taylor for future head coachdom. He'll have worked with Fulmer and Mike Gundy, can call a spread offense, and was the sole source of fresh life on the Tennessee staff in the 2000s as a promiscuous recruiter and fiery walking motivational poster-type guy.

(P.S. If you're hiring a coach, it's even more likely you'll have to do this--or at least consider doing it--now that Brian Kelly's staying put at Cincinnati. )