After last year's legendary late-night tangle the Florida-LSU rivalry, now hatched, molted, and developing scales, is emerging as one of the few "marquee matchups" in college football truly deserving of the term. Connoisseurs of the game from all conferences will tune in Saturday night for what promises to be an explosive (due in no small part to homemade alcohol) finale to a day of sure barnburners. To assist unallied fans in obtaining temporary loyalties for the game, the EDSBS staff has compiled the following helpful questionnaire:
Do you like air conditioning?
A. Yes.
B. No, it makes skinning giant catfish harder 'cause they skin gets tight an sassy.
Do you like fried food?
A. Yes, preferably from Publix in a cardboard box.
B. Ain't that redundant?
Your team is down four touchdowns at halftime. How do you react to the GameDay cameras?
A. [sullen stare that could freeze nitrogen while pressing cellphone to ear]
B. "FUUUUCK YEEEEEW WWOOOOOOOOOOOOO TAHGERS GON GITCHA!!!" [shows breasts, regardless of gender]
Anniversary gift for your common-law spouse?
A. AXE Body Spray gift box from Rite-Aid.
B. Gold chain with two vials on it, one of your own blood, the other filled with jungle cat pheromones you bought at a roadside stand from two guys both named Marcel.
Preferred mode of transport:
A. Speedboat filled with babes tanned to jerky.
B. Airboat covered in freshly killed bleeding pelts.
Crucial attribute in potential female mate:
A. Condo on the Gulf
B. Crack shot
AND she cooks.
Your Senator:
A. Will be found with a hooker and publicly scandalized.
B. Will be found with nine hookers and re-elected governor of Louisiana and Space.
Are you racist?
A. Yes, but the subtle, transplanted northeastern kind who's really racist but would never say it to someone's face.
B. Yes, and I refer to lifelong black friends by names like Shoeshine and Crawtator to their faces without flinching.
You had your first sexual experience:
A. On a green patch of grass underneath the waving intertwined leaves of a live oak with a tender, caring, and gentle female alligator. At least you thought it was female.
B. Under an overpass for a 12 pack and eight rounds of ammo.
Running back:
A. The quarterback.
B. Sexual position.
Favorite cut of meat:
A. Boneless sirloin.
B. Youngest son (the mouthy one).
Your car just hit something on the road at night. It is:
A. A confused and demented retiree.
B. James Carville stepping out for a daiquiri, which lands in your hand without having spilled a drop, after which you are chased by Carville, who pops up unscathed and demands his damn daiquiri back.
Ideal pet:
A. Pit bull fed nothing but human medical waste.
B. The Montauk Monster, but with racing stripes and a deep fryer.
See if it likes Fritos!
Armadillos:
A. Good target practice for a student driver.
B. Good target practice for a student chef.
In your freezer:
A. Stacks, keys, and a Glock you shouldn't use for a year or two, if you know what I mean.
B. Stacks of meticulously wrapped, hand-cut flash-frozen meats from a variety of creatures.
Body in swamp is probably:
A. Dunno, but he's wearing a thong and too much cologne.
B. Napping.
You sleep*:
A. With one eye open and one finger on the trigger of the handgun under your pillow.
B. Facedown in the nearest hammock.
Pencils down! Those answering mostly (A) will find greatest happiness aligning their shiny black hearts with the Florida Gators; the stalwarts selecting mostly (B) should rent their ragged souls to the Tigers of LSU for the duration of Saturday night's game. This has been a public service of EDSBS and Swindle Industries, LLC.
*TRICK QUESTION! Both of these could be either! Which just proves, we're all brothers**, no matter the jersey.
**It's just that some brothers are stronger, faster, and have better pass rush capabilities.