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Suspenders, exploded. Well, that was fun. Don't come to Murfreesboro and expect NOT TO GET KILLED. That's how they do.

Audio's out of sync, but the gist of what happened is clear enough here:

Them Midgetzz is HOTT. Mike Belotti has seen the template for beating USC, and it represents the lollipop guild and goes around chanting ONE OF US! ONE OF US! USC's silver bullet: huge offensive lines, teeny eensy weensy snack-sized running back:

"I thought Oregon State attacked them pretty well," Bellotti said. " 'Quizz Rodgers, in all honesty, it was unbelievable how he got through some of those holes."

The Ducks don't employ the same schemes as Oregon State and don't have a 5-foot-7 starting back who can sneak through narrow spaces.

The quick search for an iBack Nano will continue in local middle schools and circuses throughout the remainder of the week and through Saturday morning.

The Shoot and Shoot. SMU's Run 'n Shoot offense is 119th in D-1 rushing stats, meaning it is not only inaccurately named, but that you can look forward to their quarterback living the Colt Brennan experience versus UCF this weekend. (You know how hard George O'Leary likes to run his defense--oh, heavens. Redact! Redact!)

Illinois is meh to the max. Illinois' pre-season expectations were mixed to optimistic, and thus far the season has been mainly mixed. Juice Williams hasn't been as errant as some (pointing toward self) thought he might be, and Brit Miller is averaging 11 tackles a game...but there's defensive gaps-a-plenty in the secondary, the passing game hasn't completely picked up the slack, and special teams (a [NAME REDACTED] specialty in his career as an assistant) have been mediocre.

Take their random performance thus far and mix it with a gawky adolescent of a Michigan team, and the game Saturday could be one of the more bizarre, herky-jerky playscripts of the year. And a blocked punt! And a fumble! And a lateral, which is then passed...forward? Wait...

First in scoring defense....Kentucky. Chris Low points out your latest sign of impending blood rain: not only is Vanderbilt hosting Gameday and leading the SEC East, but Kentucky leads the nation in scoring defense. Myron "Rerun" Pryor in the middle is a dual figurative/literal factor in this, but they're solid all over, and being injury-free will give Alabama their biggest challenge yet across the lines. (Georgia gets a flyer for injuries and a sudden wafting over of the infectious Tommy Bowden Bitch Mentality from Clemson for a half. Damn those Low Country coastal wind patterns.)

Give him ass cancer and death. EDSBS Parnassus resident P.J. O'Rourke has cancer of the ass, and will likely recover, but kind thoughts and boozy hat tips sent his way anyway from us. As you can see, the best part about writing about your own hypothetical death is that no one has the balls to edit you. Gusty and lusty, baby!