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BILL STEWART: PLATYPUS SWISS ARMY KNIFE COACH

Bill Stewart "jumbo shrimps" himself when discussing the insertion of Jarrett Brown into multiple spots in the offense:

"I'm the biggest conservative in the world, but yet I have enough riverboat gambler in me to go for it," head coach Bill Stewart said of putting Brown in those different roles.

Stewart is a conservative riverboat gambler. He's also a true cynic with a heart of gold, a thinker with an impulsive barbarian's heart, and a man with a woman's emotional sensibilities, which is why he's mad at Pat White, but says he's fine, just fine. He'll double down, up the ante, and then fold just to be safe. He'll push that envelope, take it just to the redline, see the checkered flag come out, and then power down just to be safe. He sometimes uses a safety razor to cut the throats of this enemies. He's a vegetarian who's not afraid to order a steak once and a while. Don't box him in with your petty little logic-prisons. He's drinking decaf with his meth, and there's nothing you can do to stop him from doing it.

He's a platypus mated with a swiss army knife crossed with a cyborg peacock, and there's not a thing you can do about it.