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MIKE PATRICK'S CABINET OF WONDERS

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Can you really open a philosophy store? If so, can you buy freedom there? And shelled pecans? I love both of them a lot.

What's a basket without holes? A shitty bucket, or a just a heavy hat?

Cats never fail to amaze me! They also never fail, because they never try. There's a lesson here, and it's that you should always mark your territory to keep things in perspective. But not in front of children.

If you fold a dollar bill in half, you can see secret Masonic symbols. But if you fold a fish in half, things get messy, because it's a fish, and not a dollar bill.

Call me crazy, but I can't get enough of the Black-Eyed Peas! The band and the legume!

The most important play in football is the punt. But if we're talking about brain surgery now, WHOA, that is a totally different discussion. The most important part of that is the brain, I bet.

I think badgers are just agoraphobic skunks.

Wouldn't everyone look better if we just said what we thought out loud all the time? And wore clothes when we were doing it? In our front yard? I'm looking at you, me.

Sometimes, when someone talks in their sleep, you think they're saying what they really think about you, but just saying it very quietly. But mostly they're just saying the word "hamburger" over and over again.

When I was growing up, we didn't have the Tooth Fairy. I'd put one tooth under the pillow, and in the morning when I woke up there would be two teeth under the pillow. And fur. And blood. Memories!

The Smoothie King: is he a benevolent ruler? I hope not. I hope he tortures people.