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CURIOUS INDEX, 8/28/08

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Current status check, brain weather: Spongebob Raining Blood Manic.

Percy Harvin, Barbaro of the North Florida Piedmont. Percy Harvin will be out for Hawaii, possibly Tennessee, and possibly even the Ole Miss game according to the Orlando Sentinel, and may have to be humanely disposed of to end his suffering. This really should not surprise anyone who's a.) familiar with Harvin's history of injury and b.) who has been reading the attentive and consistent updates on his condition from any of eight sources in the Florida media. He's been a dodgy proposition since offseason surgery, and the feature spot allotted Chris Rainey in the spring game happened for good reason: he's the insurance policy, and has been from the moment Harvin went under the knife.

Not to diminish Harvin's terror factor--substantial and nasty even at 80 percent--but he's tightly wound and injury-prone, and putting him out there early risks the kind of compensatory injury that, in your case, leads to painful golf swing or a tinge in the shoulder when you reach for the tape dispenser. When Harvin compensates, muscles fly in whole pieces from his leg.

Hurricane Gustav, brang beef, son. Hurricane Gustav will likely not affect the LSU game on Saturday against Appalachian State, according to "LSU", who we imagine as a source is a giant bell tower with eyes, a mouth, and expressive brick eyebrows.

Chris Rainey, Quotehorse. By the time he leaves Florida, he will be known as the Secretariat of awesome quote. Our suggestion for a current nickname is "The Americaback," since like America, Chris Rainey not only loves white women, but also would like more porno in his sex ed, please.

USF charges $6.75 for a cold beverage. The Wiz led us to the sad tale of USF's concession apparent concession gouge, an inconvenience countered by the inexpensive ten buck tickets one can get at RayJay for Bulls games. Also, as with fluoride in most cities, Tampa adds Geritol and Rum Runner Mix to the drinking water to satisfy the needs of its two largest residential demographics, old people and drunks. So you really do get your $6.75 out of it.

Artrell Woods cannot be broken by your puny weights. Walking, talking, and playing football is more awesomely improbable for some than others. Viva la defying odds!

Ron Franklin, now calling Aussie Rules Football. Awful Announcing has the full roster up: only calling Dingo League Maimball could get the stentorian voice of SEC football, Ron Franklin, further away from his proper niche in this universe than his call tonight: Oregon State at Stanford, where he'll be vibrating the pipes with Ed Cunningham and "LESTAKEITDOWNTOMYMAAAAN" Jack Arute. South Carolina/NC State gets the Depeche Mode Crew of Fowler, Palmer, and Andrews, while Pam Ward will continue her love affair with brunchy Big Ten games with Syracuse at Northwestern THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS VOMIT HITTING THE FLOOR.

Our first game of the year, Hawaii at the People Boil that is Florida Field, will have the three Daves on Raycom, which beats two pair any day.