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FLORIDA'S DEFENSE: THE UTOPIAN VERSION

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December 7th, 2008. 3:40 a.m. at The Cheetah Club, Atlanta.

[Omar Hunter, Florida freshman tackle, walks into the club. He has just finished an SEC title game with seven tackles, two sacks, and two passes batted at the line of scrimmage. His back feels springy, lithe, and free of any injury. He sits at a table with fellow Florida defenders Major Wright, Jacques Rickerson, and Joe Haden.]

Hunter: They didn't even check my ID, man. Isn't this place supposed to be closed now?

Rickerson: You don't need an ID at the Cheetah, baby. All you need is an SEC Championship. And you have one of those. UNDEFEATED!!!!

Wright et al: YEAAAAH!!! [They raise drinks.]

Hunter: Where'd you get that champagne, Maj?

Major: They're just giving it to us. They don't even want us to pay! The strippers really like us, too! I know they always say that, but this time they really mean it!

Strippers, in chorus: WE DO! WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!

Haden: Man, it's amazing how we suddenly took the step into being real, live All-SEC corners in just our second years as starters!

Rickerson: It is amazing. Almost improbable! It's especially amazing that we got such amazing play from our other safety, whoever that guy is.

Major Wright toasting: Yeah---that guy, whoever he is, is lockdown tight nasty, baby.

ALL: TO THAT GUY! [They toast]

Wright: Hey, Omar. How's that long-distance relationship going?

Hunter: Great! It's really working, and neither of us are cheating on each other!

ALL: HUZZAH!!! [they toast.]

Haden: And how, after being the 94th worst pass defense in school history, we brought back most of the same guys but lost our safety, and still got better? That's...

Rickerson: ...improbable?

Haden: I was going to say awesome! Hey, is that Sasquatch?

Sasquatch: What up. I had money on Auburn. Fuck all y'all in your hairless faces.

ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Wright: Gotta love that hairy motherfucker!

[They toast. A cartoon bluebird lands on Hunter's shoulder.]

Hunter: ...what's that..oh, that's...

Wright: Whats the bird saying, dog?

Hunter: I'm...I'm too bashful to say.

Bird: I was merely complimenting him on solving Florida's gaping holes at d-tackle almost singlehandedly. It's not bragging if it's true!

Hunter: Well, I didn't do it alone...

Haden: DUCK! RONNIE'S IN THE HOUSE!!!

[Gunfire rips apart the club, with the bullets miraculously missing every person and embedding in only easily replaceable parts of the building.]

Ronnie Wilson, machine gun: Damn right you didn't do it alone, you BEAUTIFUL BATCH OF BASTARDS!!! [fires gun into the air.]

ALL: SITCOM LAUGH! [fade to credits.]

It could happen! We swear! Sasquatch told us! Who knows? Maybe we could dare to hit..oh...75th in pass defense? This is how dreams begin, people!