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APPY STATE: NEVER SWIM WITHOUT TERRIFYING MASCOT

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Appalachian State rolls into LSU this weekend, which features actual football, REAL GODDAMN FOOTBALL GODDAMN FOOTBALLL STOP STANDING BETWEEN US AND FOOTBALLLLLLLL DAMN YOU!!!

Ahem. Saturday features, among many other games featuring real football, Appalachian State at LSU. Considering what happened last year at the Big House, just imagine the possibilities! Which include App State losing to LSU, the only thing that can and will happen despite ESPN frontloading their Saturday lineup with a 5:00 p.m slot for the game and much string-backed previewing.

BUT BUT BUT they're going to die out there. Not by embarrassing margins, but by substantial margins nonetheless--24 points, according to Doc Sports, who for some reason has LSU listed as Clemson, which must be a cunning ruse by Les Miles in an attempt to give ASU some hope in the form of a Bowden Fumblegame early in the season.

What they won't do, though? They won't drown, because Appalachian State gets water safety like champions do.

Coco Hillary deserves an Emmy for his performance in this video, though a special Emmy for special effects should be given to Armanti Edwards' accent. That thing is mindbending.