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YOU'RE NOT ALCOHOLICS, YOU'RE PROFESSIONALS.

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Wisconsin is the drankinest drunkenest drunkass state in the union, and not by margins, either: the state's binge drinking stats outpace other states by wide berths, an empirical fact anyone who's ever been drinking in Milwaukee has intuited for themselves after vomiting into the lake at five in the morning under the watchful eye of a local who, nicely enough, has your vomit chaser waiting for you. (Secret: it's more beer! You're gonna die.)

But remember, Badgers, you're not alcoholics. No, you're professionals, and it shows. Only a student body used to multitasking under the influence of stunning amounts of booze would be able to do "Jump Around" without falling in waves to the floor and remember the intricacies of this fine chant, which we totally think you should blast at the top of you speaker so your boss can hear! (Don't do this. Please.)

And this is precisely why we've never been to Camp Randall. In the drinking Olympiad that is a weekend in Madison, we're terrified that even with the impressive amount of liver conditioning already under our belt we'd wind up being less Michael Phelps and more Ranos Baranyai going up against competition like that.

Wisconsin fans might have to double up on the scotch with scotch chasers, too: the Badgers' first two games will be broadcast on the Big Ten Network, an option currently not standard on Wisconsin's biggest cable networks. Jim Delany apologizes, suggests you do a shot on him this fall.