COUNTDOWN: 29
“Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily.”
July 30, 2025
“JOE PATERNO IS THE BRETT FAVRE OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL”
Jeffri Chadiha on ESPN today wins the prize for asinine Brett Favre-centered rhetoric taken to a new, inaccurate, and fatheaded extreme. When discussing
“To me, Joe Paterno is the Brett Favre of college football.”
To us, peanut butter is the Brett Favre of condiments. Now, jelly is Tom Brady, because he’s smooth, but not like the Brett Favre of flowering trees, the Tulip Poplar, which is kind of like the A-Rod of small African Countries like Burkina Faso, which is nothing like Blue Diamond Rice/Almond Crackers, which are the Bret Favre of snack crackers FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE FAVRE .
Favre.
NO, YOU’RE NOT INTERRUPTING.
Oh, excuse me. I should have locked the door. No, it’s okay. You just caught me working out with my shirt off, that’s all. It gets so hot, you know, that I have to take it off or I get the whole thing sweaty. If you’re comfortable with it, I’ll just keep it off.
You don’t mind? I’m pleased to hear that. (more…)
VISITING LECTURER: SMQ ON SOUTHERN MISS
Teams: there are a lot of them. Consider Southern Miss, here previewed by Matt Hinton, a.k.a. SMQ, who we’re gonna go ahead and run while he’s still free content. Enjoy.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
In studies, workers in offices painted blue complained the room was too cold; when the same room was painted a warm peach, even though the temperature was the same, they tended to start removing jackets and sweaters.
Did someone say…blue?
Apologies-we couldn’t help ourselves. Good luck getting that out of your head. We recommend a claw hammer for the job.
For some USM partisans, blue — that is, the conservative, consistent, running-and-defense pastiche of the Jeff Bower era — was just fine. (more…)
MUSTACHE WEDNESDAY: JOHN MCCAIN
Courtesy of last night’s Colbert Report: Genghis Juan McCain.
Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!
For full video of the segment-where mustache-wearing is ascribed to getting babes, wealth, and having the power to melt clocks.
FULMER CUP: WVU TAKES THE LEAD, BOGGLES IMAGINATION
Really?
Kendall Washington, redshirt freshman, puts West Virginia in a tie for the Fulmer Cup.
CANTON The man told police the masked robber came to his bedroom as he slept, demanded money and jewelry, then shot him twice.
The victim couldn’t see the gunman’s face, but city police have charged former St. Thomas Aquinas High School football star Kendall M. Washington with aggravated robbery and felonious assault. A grand jury now will take a look at the evidence to see if he should stand trial.
Blanket allegedlys all around, but: breaking into someone’s house, stealing things at gunpoint, and then shooting someone in the head in front of their five year-old means large, large points no matter what the charges. Currently, as it stands, Washington’s charged with aggravated burglary and felonious assault. Under FC rules as they stand:
Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as ‘nefarious,’ ‘professional,’ or ‘legislation.’ Applies to large drug rings, chop shop operations, and the Haitian human trafficking ring that’s been run out of the Miami locker room since ‘93. (We kid! They didn’t get that thing humming ’til ‘95 at the earliest.)
Assault doesn’t seem to cover this; nor does generic burglary charges. Therefore, we award four points for each charge, and a bonus point for, well, HOLY HELL IN FRONT OF A FIVE-YEAR OLD CHILD? That’s Killing Joke Joker territory, there.
The total comes to nine points total, a sum which places in WVU in a tie for the lead in the Fulmer Cup. That’s not score manipulation to tie things up and make some excitement in the idle days of late July; if anything, that’s some circumspect scoring for a crime of astonishingly random, nasty cruelty.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/30/2008
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“You got a good looking witch hunt here.” I mean that. I blame witches. Used to coulda burned ‘em, back in my day. Damn FDR liberals took that away from us, along with the right to run down pedestrians with your hansom cab and our sweet, sweet Indochinese opium. MaconDawg calls it “a one-sided hack job,” while Black Shoe Diaries calls it “a hit job.” It seems less malicious to us than either of these: how about, “preteens rolling the house of an old man seen doddering toward the end of his driveway exactly once a day.” Meanwhile, the Iowa case fades from the screen thanks to its not being close to either New York or Los Angeles despite the fact that it involves far more spectacular charges on the part of the adults in charge. First things first:Yes, we see this, and points a-plenty to be had if-if-it all adds up. Update pending. Big East Media Days were way more fun than they should have been, Vol. 1: Jim Leavitt, speaking at a gentle 65 decibels, delivered one of Microphone Season’s only real stabs after blowing out four microphones and causing the front row of assembled media to cower at the back of the room. His answer when asked about facing new coach Bill Stewart of West Virginia: “He’s got a great reputation, because he is who he is. He’s a down-to-earth, good person, loves the game. … The people who wonder on how he’ll be (compared) with Rich are nuts. This guy’s probably better than Rodriguez. I’m worried about him. We beat Rodriguez. We haven’t gotten this guy. This guy worries me. I wish Rich would have stayed. But he didn’t, so we’ll have to go play Michigan now.” Jim Leavitt, like Jim Harbaugh, bows to no man. Now if you’ll excuse him, he’s got to go wash some uniforms, and not because he’s still looking for someone to take the job he did in the early days of his program, but you know, just because it clears his head after a long day, you know? The smell of fabric softener warms even the hardest man’s heart, you know? Big East Media Days were way more fun than they should have been, Vol. 1: Pat White, known for meowing and getting nibbles from Erin “Now Packing Heat Thanks To The Internet” Andrews, may now add “awesomely candid” to his resume. “In my knowledge of West Virginia baseball, there’s not been many players of my race on his team. He’s not too high on it. “Every player I’ve talked to doesn’t like him. He’s not a well-liked coach but I guess he has tenure so they never got rid of him. They’re not successful at all.” In response, West Virginia baseball supporters said “AH’VE HAD ENUFF OF WHOO’S-SAAAIN,” and then pointed furiously at yellow “Remember the Troops” stickers on the back of their trucks. Miami will have as many as seven of their monstrous recruiting class NOT on hand for day one of practice due to eligibility concerns. They have eligibility concerns. This is the other piece of news out of this story. |
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PLEASE STAND BY
Computer slightly possessed this a.m.
