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KANSAS BRINGS A BAZOOKA TO A KNIFE FIGHT

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That will be half a million, please.

Kansans, known for being bold pioneers in the field of anti-evolutionary biology and tornado-enabled interdimensional travel, may claim another title: the first state to attempt to stake out an entire color as a copyrighted entity.

You may recall a t-shirt last season that read "Our Coach Can Eat Your Coach," a bit of innocuous, non-name specific piece of puffery probably defensible under the First Amendment. (Lawyas, form of inveterate debate club! Lodge your depositions in the comment sections, since you will anyway.) The company producing the shirts, a small outfit called Joe-College.com, made the shirts along with a haul of others. Standard small-time American commerce.

Joe-College.com made one crucial error: they used the color blue, a tint apparently owned by Kansas, meaning we owe them a shitload of money for toting around these baby blues all these years. (Estimated cash value of our entire life's work: $282.50. Come get some, counselor! We dare you!)

For some reason, the owner Larry Sinks was told by a Kansas judge yesterday to pay Kansas a sum of money we find positively redonkulous: $127,337, a stupendously idiotic number a good bit reduced from the $500,000 originally requested by Kansas.

We're sure there was a scientific basis for his number, as in the coefficient of arm reach to the posterior divided by the depth with which one may reach into the ass of an attorney. Yes, that's it exactly.

Our junior colleagues at the SN sniffed out a fine, curmudgeonly quote from Jason Whitlock on the case:

Overall, the decision makes Kansas look like a bully. Jason Whitlock of the Kansas City Star reported that Sinks told him a Kansas official argued in court that the school owns the color blue in the state of Kansas. “Really? I thought the Crips owned the color blue,” was Whitlock’s retort in a column.

The Crips do own the color blue, which is why we pay them royalties and respect like whoa. [/flashes gang signs, nods with lips pursed slowly in deference to passing Buick with tint.] Why this wasn't brought up in court is evidence of serious legal malpractice here, but Sinks should appeal whatever he's got. If the Crips argument doesn't hold up, the ol' First Amendment thing should still be good for a laugh in the appeals process.

Now, if Kansas had waterboarded Sinks? No problem there. It's full of vitamins and stuff, you know. Next time, just take Sinks to a third country and dowhatchalike. Works for fired ESPN employees who violate their gag orders, right? Whitlock just survived because he's tough, unlike that pansy Hitchens, who would have never given in if they'd poured scotch over his face instead of water. ("He's drinking it all! What do we do, Captain!")