Scott Wolf proposes the revolutionary idea of the team-themed cemetery for USC, which is of course based on a real German idea about a Hamburg-HSV-themed cemetery for diehard soccer fans, which is "of-course" worthy since in all matters thanatological the Germans are at the forefront, both in terms of inventing new ways for people to die and in ways of making death a vital nutrient in you daily diet of experience. (They invented mustard gas and DeathTV. QEDMF.)
USC doesn't seem to be the most promising market, though. Death in L.A. just lets everyone down, because it's so selfish of you to leave like that, and because you'll get all old and wrinkled and boring like dead people always are. (You will be, however, very, very thin. Jealous!)
We instead offer alternatives business proposals fresh off the drawing table at EDSBS Capital Development, free of charge because we've just got too many ideas to turn them all into spun gold sweatervests, you know.
Tennessee: Tasteful, extra-large vaults overlooking the Tennessee River on 12 acres of verdant prime real estate. Amenities will include Erik Ainge "blessing" your headstone by attempting to hit it, and then missing completely and throwing to a waiting groundskeeper for a crippling INT. Discounts for all plots crapped on by Smokey during visits. Visits by boat only, of course. No Catholics, and no same-sex couples in the "Reggie White Section." Double-wide plots and orange and white checkerboard sod available for extra fees.
Ohio State: Located within a punt's distance of the 'Shoe, Buckeye Timbers promises that when you're a cloud of dust three yards deep, your stay here will be just like a Buckeye scoring drive: dignified, slow, and as long as eternity itself.
Ranked number two in the nation for thre years running, Buckeye Timbers' special features include vault supports that are the exact thickness of Eddie George's thighs, audio tribute boxes that answer "I-O" when you cheer "O-H" at them on selected headstones, and the centerpiece of the installation, our signature fountain "Eternal Victory," featuring a cherubic Woody Hayes urinating on the face of a drowning Bo Schmebechler forever.
Notice: Pepper spray is applied to the ground twice daily, and only during visiting hours.
Washington: Husky Meadows, where you can be as serenely dead as the Huskies football program itself! Long list of features pending, but nothing developed as of yet. We blame former management for the inconvenience.
Oklahoma State: Assuredly already in the works, and thus beyond parody. We expect wind-powered fountains and the option to buried in piles of pure, unmarked bills. Headstones should predictably include epitaphs like "Here lies T. Boone Pickens HE WAS A MAN; HE WAS EIGHTY-NINE."
Florida. Serene live oaks and waving Spanish Moss welcome you to Gator Arbors, where you will be guaranteed the loudest eternal rest of your lives. A constant temperature of 97 degrees is maintained through the use of 935 individual heat lamps to simulate the actual conditions within the Swamp, and to be sure you'll be completely at home, at state of the art stereo system blasts crowd noise at 100 decibels at all times. Special features include the Text Tribute feature, where you may send Urban Meyer-esque messages to your loved ones from beyond the grave. ("MSSING U VALHLLA IZ TEH SHIT!")
Leave your own suggestions for our capital development committee below.
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