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CURIOUS INDEX, 7/15/2008

In the lap of luxury and not fighting it. Joe Cribbs Car Wash, in the process of defending Auburn's scheduling--a noble cause if we've ever heard it, like war crimes defense (crispy double batter-fried zing!)--says Florida's the consensus favorite in the SEC East because of our "cushier" schedule.

But! But! But we play...a weakened Miami, Florida Citadel? Ah, the irony if Florida gets retro-Auburn'd with the schedule at the end of the year should the Gators be astronomically lucky enough to finish with one loss and be up for BCS consideration. (To wit: I'm terribly sorry, but you played the Citadel, and must pay.) Whatever--until reality sets in on December 1st, you'll be asking "Is that fish tank in the dash, brother?"

The greatest recruiting message in the history of college football may be found over at Troy Nunes is an Absolute Genius. Greg Robinson reminds you that he's a complete catch, and that you should go look up passive-aggressive in the dictionary sometime. He's erasing your phone number.

I OVERSTAND YOU LACK WORDS THAT ARE BESIDE THE POINT. Well, here a zillion of them that miss the point: people care more about SEC football, and that's what makes it vastly more entertaining than any other league, because we're willing strap our obese children like so many dead twelve-point bucks to the hoods of our massive cars, shirk work, duty, responsibility, and all the dictates of common sense to drive hundreds of miles round trip to get unreasonably drunk, scream at other people simply because they're wearing a different colored shirt, and then ingest huge quantities of deep-fried meat shortly before sitting in sweltering conditions to watch unpaid, occasionally semi-literate athletes play football. The rest is quibbling and stat-dorkery.

This guy is all the refutation you'd need. He exists, and did this intentionally.

Other football leagues can be as good. No other is as distortedly devoted.

If you'll excuse us, we have to make our offerings to the Shrine of 1996 Steve Spurrier now.

Cindy McCain was a song girl at USC, a university McCain referred to as "The University of Spoiled Children" earlier in this campaign season, but who gives a rat's ass when her daughter poses for GQ with a motherfucking beer and a laptop.

Beer? Laptop? Daddy issues? Battalion leader, engage.

We're out of the dating game, of course, and have no part ogling a woman ten years our junior. But you, please, feel free to imagine helping her up by her own bootstraps in the most gentlemanly way possible, of course.

Joe Tiller loves him some cream cheese.