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CURIOUS INDEX, 7/14/2008

We likes our stupidity viscous and vicious. Oh, hell. Who let the old prospector out of the summer kitchen?

Stop reading this as you are committing a crime at this very moment by doing so. The breathtaking conflation of a single idiotic act by one message boarder with the entire vibrant, thriving, and shockingly self-policed community of message boards is precisely what we should expect from Gus Chiggins there, who likely only uses the internets to purchase new skillets for the camp vittles-makin', and is by paycheck invested in seeing the online world as one rolling ball of masked vipers heading downhill in his direction.

Which it is, by the way, so eat fang, australopithecene. Them snakes got momentum on their side. While you're at it, review your understanding of community, personal agency, and self-policed communities--the biggest suckers for the hoax came not in the online community, which tends to sniff out hoaxes with IP trackers and years of experience, but from the talk radio community who picked up the story and ran with it in Texas.

Damn you Marconi! Your insidious machine is nothing but an anonymous machine for blah blah blah blah Luddite crap from someone being ground to pieces in its gears. We think you don't understand your subject, Gus, and should stop before you sound any more stroke-addled than you do. Sincerely, Spencer Hall, who writes as Orson Swindle on, who would be happy to explain this to you while still calling you wrong and bullshittedly so to your face.

Michael Lemon has been dismissed from UGA following his amateur orthopedic work on the eye socket of a fellow student. It's very sad, both because Lemon's mother was murdered last year, and we're sure the anger must be unbearable, and also because a hapless student received a broken face thanks to Lemon's inability to control his emotions. Remember: the least a university can do is guarantee that student athletes will not break the faces of other students when on campus.(HT: Paul.)

Now taking applications. Must be fast, unable to defend simple pass patterns. The Florida secondary should be taking open casting calls now that Dorian Munroe is out for the season, leaving Florida with incoming superfrosh (whizbang rakrootingspeak!) Will Hill as the likely starting safety paired with Major Wright in the defensive backfield. (Dave Curtis thinks other permutations of the Gator secondary are more likely, but don't tell that to Gator fans who are firmly in HALLO NEW GUY THX mode with Hill.) Jerimy Finch, but for patience the starting spot would be yours.

Defensive back John Curtis also blew out his knee, presumably out of sympathy with Munroe, and will "have to evaluate his future," according to Meyer. This means nothing in the department of good news for him.

For more info on ACLs and why they don't come with a warranty, see Conquest Chronicles' excellent piece on the injury. Warning: contains lots of shots of human bone splayed open and looking surprisingly like bisected pieces of rotisserie chicken.

Louisville's Trent Guy was released from the hospital on Friday, and appears to be recovering brilliantly from the holes put in his body during a shooting incident outside a Louisville nightclub. If he plays this season at all, he gets the Curtis James Jackson III award, a.k.a. the "Street Rasputin Trophy," for Excellence in the Field of Shaking Off Gunshot Wounds.

Coach is drunk. This is SDSU. We'd be drunk, too. Have a drink, coach. Tom Craft, allegedly drunk before games at SDSU? We've said it before and will say it again: one of the most discriminated against groups in this nation of our is the legion of functional alcoholics who have made our nation great: Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Thomas Jefferson, Gumby, W.C. Fields, Mickey Rourke...really, a list of immortals to behold.

Plus imagine this scenario: getting your ass whipped by thirty points. Stands, devoid of people. Then, you look over and see...this.

We'd be pouring scotch into our eyeballs and shooting vodka into the jugular with an aerosol injector. For Craft to allegedly be merely "drunk" given the circumstances is a display of outstanding professionalism.