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FULMER CUPDATE: ARKANSAS SCOOTS CLOSER

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Our slightly delayed Fulmer Cupdate appears this week courtesy of Brian, who as always, is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson. Clarifications, apologies, and refusals to do either of the preceding follow.

This week's biggest movement comes courtesy of your uncle who eats far too much cheese, cornmeal, and red meat. The most impressive scores of the week, though, continue to come from the Arkansas Razorbacks, who are welcoming Bobby Petrino to the SEC by piling up DUI Charges and getting involved in window-shattering scooter/car altercations.

The Razorbacks, awarded points for a DUI last week, bump up two points for a felony criminal mischief charge for linebacker Wendel Davis. Davis only picks up two points rather than the standard felony three because, in his defense, he was allegedly being pursued by a guy whose girlfriend decided to kiss Davis, and who is currently charged with terroristic threats. Thus the slightly reduced points, since we'd punch the windows out of someone's car who was trying to run our teeny little scooter off the road...if we were strong enough to break a pane of glass, of course. Which we're not.

Ohio State picks up three yards and a cloud of points for a bar fight

involving Ohio State cornerback Eugene Clifford, a backup cornerback who allegedly punched two men in a Coryville "tavern" this past Friday. The men were employees of the tavern trying to break up a fight, meaning we imagine them as "tavern" employees wearing stained poets' shirts, leather vests, and ladling up mead from open vats into silver goblets. Oh, and Grendel's arm is hanging over the door. (Taverns are immensely superior to bars in our imagination.)

A pair of misdemeanor charges gets you egg roll and two points, nowhere near the big board, mind you, but in the tallies for the season. Think of it as voting "present" in the Senate.

UGA's points stay the same. UGA lost a point thanks to the misdemeanor charges against Jeremy Lomax being dismissed, but gained on back as Michael Lemon picked up a misdemeanor assault charge to go with his felony assault charge from last week. It's a push, the Bulldogs stay at the same score, and Terence Moore gets to write an odiously stupid column made even stupider by the comments of Dawg fans below it.

yawn. Aren’t you late for a Jeremiah Wright sermon?

BTW Terrance - I will NEVER vote for your candidate Barack - and it is not because he is white.

Well - I read the article and all I saw was, “Blah, blah, blah blah, I hate the Bulldogs because they are better than me, blah, blah, blah.”

LOVE YOU TERENCE!GET THE LOVE OUT OF THIS TOWN!YOUR A MOTHER LOVIN KNUCKLE HEAD!

P.S. I WANDER WHO YOU ARE VOTING FOR IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION!

Over/under on the number of comments containing the n-word deleted from the column's comments? +/- 36. Easy money on the over. HAI IM ON THE INTERNETZ RACIST-IN' ANONYMUZLY!!! GO MAH TEAM, WHICH IS AT LEAST HALF-BLACK!

And just to get noticed, K-State has a player picked up for outstanding warrants. Points pending, because do we just charge him for the driving on a suspended license, or the nebulous theft charges, or god knows what else comes out of this? Take a point and hold your breath, Wildcats, as more may come from the processing center, which is working feverishly these days thanks to some late-season antics on the part of our fine student-athletes.