clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

FULMER CUPDATE: TIPSY TACKLES TIPPLING TREACHEROUSLY

New, 34 comments

Most BAC charts only run up to the 240 pound range, meaning we'd actually have to do math to properly calculate just how many drinks 340ish pound, 6' 8" Phil Loadholt (immaculately named, no?) had to get a suspicion of DUI charge and an open container violation. Not even the OU Police Department's BAC calculator goes above 240 pounds, meaning the law enforcement authorities of our nation apparently see those over this metric to be less of an enforcement problem, and perhaps something closer to an animal control issue.

Note, though, that the OU police calculator does include a dizzying array of drink options, including "Mint julep, fortified dessert wine, and Hairy Buffalo." That's a department firmly in touch with their constituency, there.

Loadholt, one half of the nation's largest offensive line side, presumably went Bunyan, just grabbing the nearest water tower, pulling the top off like an old pop-top can, and pouring a tanker of industrial solvent into it while mixing with a flagpole. Sadly, while riding home atop a van driven by a dog in a vest and jaunty hat, he was pulled over and earned the Oklahoma Sooners two points in the Fulmer Cup.

(Don't even attempt to say this is racist, since Grape Ape transcends all categories you care to try to box him in with, and because Phil Loadholt--a brilliant tackle who will make more money than we will ever see--really might be forty feet high.)

Clemson may be due for a reduction in points thanks to Larry Williams' (who did a superb job detailing the complexities of the Ray Ray McElrathbey case) work finding a deposition by three witnesses that, from a quick glance, seems to turn what looked like a domestic violence case into an instance of a falsely accused footballer in a bad relationship.

I got up to see who it was and saw (name omitted) walking to her car (Camry), which was parked outside my window. I saw her laughing as she stated, "I'm just going to leave I know the law, my mom or relative has been working with that stuff for about 20-30 yrs, so I know I'm not going to be the one going to jail."

I saw her continue to giggle as she got in her car and then she drove away.

Well-played, ma'am. We're sure the other nine women out of ten who actually call the police for real injuries inflicted by genuine assholes intent on hurting women with physical violence genuinely appreciate your gamesmanship. The points stand for the moment, but they seem wobbly at best given the preponderance of testimony against the woman's case at the moment. We'll monitor and update.