clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


The most stunning event in the history of the Fulmer Cup places Alabama at the pinnacle of offseason feloniousness. Update brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson and as tenacious as a Jimmy Johns pit bull.

Jimmy Johns' monumental arrest for powdered cocaine distribution nets Alabama a mountain of points as powdery as Breckenridge in February and just as immovable.

Before any points are awarded, bear this in mind: while Johns may be eligible for the Ellis T. Jones III for individual achievement, the points may not be discarded as "just one guy" thanks to Alabama already having several offenses on the board. The judgment is that Alabama keeps the points, and there will be no debate, because this is not democracy. (Those who object will not be waterboarded, but rather "aqua-cuddled." It's not torture if you have a good word for it!)

The tally, as assembled from Johns' weighty entry at the Tuscaloosa County Jail:

Five counts of unlawful distribution of a controlled substance times three points each= Fifteen points

One count possession of powdered cocaine: three points

Two unreported traffic citations= two points

The final tally: TWENTY POINTS, a score deserving of all-caps hyperbole, except that it isn't hyperbole if you even come close to halving Ellis T. Jones 13 felony charges (somewhere around a forty point score by itself without any bonus points. Quantifying his achievement almost demeans its greatness.)

Alabama now sits proudly with an oxygen bottle on an Everest of points: 28. The prayer flags flapping in the breeze, the Himalaya all around would be beautiful if we were talking about mountain climbing, and not a college linebacker caught selling blow in an undercover sting operation.

One point not to be forgotten is that if you sell to one person five times, the actual number of transactions Johns made with customers was likely larger. No one sells coke experimentally or on a lark, especially when you're diligent enough to make five sales in a row. Johns seemed to be pretty serious about this, and to imagine some of his teammates did not know he sold yayo from his apartment is insanity.

There's a fine line between dumping off a few grams for a friend for extra cash and being a responsible, diligent, and responsive coca dealer. And yes, that's an abominable pun we shouldn't have even sniffed at. Sniff! Cocaine is funny! Except when it destroys your family and eats your house, car, and septum!

In addition to this, a website suggests Jimmy Johns may have been selling pit bulls using his name, something Will points out is a possible violation of NCAA rules. For all we know the site may be a mockup for a class, since there's only an email address and no phone contact. Further digging required, but further proof all football fans in the state of Alabama sleep with a bible on one nightstand and a copy of the NCAA rules and regs on the other.

One final note on this: Johns allegedly had tabs of Ecstasy on him, too, but it pops up nowhere on the charges, meaning so many charges are in play here that adding the E onto the tally is considered overkill even by the prosecutors here. We follow their guidance and stick to the arrest record for points, and award no style points because, really, some things speak well enough for themselves on their own.

In what would be big news any other week, Washington State picks up a three point adjustment for this unreported (or totally missed, perhaps) incident from February, which eventually resulted in a series of misdemeanor pleas:

Andy Mattingly, a linebacker coming off an outstanding sophomore season, was in Spokane in late January when a friend called for help. His front teeth had just been punched out in an argument with some soccer players from North Idaho College, he said.

The friend joined up with Mattingly and Trevor Mooney, a WSU tight end. The three went to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, where two of the soccer players, a goalie and a midfielder, shared an apartment.

First, they knocked. Then, Mattingly kicked in the door. The midfielder grabbed a steak knife, the goalie a butter knife. Mattingly picked up a frying pan off the stove.

The midfielder jumped out a window. This left the goalie — Cesar Lira, 5 feet 10, armed with a butter knife — to contend with Mattingly, a 6-4 linebacker swinging heavy kitchenware.

Mattingly hit Lira's head so hard the pan's handle broke, court records say. Lira got back up, jumped out a window and called police. He had a 2-inch gash and was "bleeding profusely," a police report says.

When police arrested Mattingly and Mooney, Mooney was so drunk he vomited while being booked.

Frying pans are the new kettlebells!