clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:


We are ready for this Big East.

Dear sirs,

We write today on behalf of a major university with a reputation which was created over the years of hard work and academic excellence by those who sought to create it. We saw your advertisement in this article on your Big East conference, and it was no one but our own institution of fine reputation we thought of at once.

The advertisement read:

So you want to be a member of the Big East?

Join the club.

In no manner of impertinence or inconvenience should we wish to trouble you in the least, but our university would very much like to be invited to your club. Our invitation is accepted, and we should like to join this illustrious Big East we have heard so much of in our time, having spent much time readying ourself for this in the Middle Eastern conference which, due to circumstances beyond our control, we feel we must sadly bid farewell to at long last.

So much is to be offered by our university! The high institute of Laser & Plasma, the Al-Kindi Medicine College, and the Ibn Al Rashid Center for Education are a few you have undoubtedly heard discussed by you peers in the various fields.

Consider, too, our recently developed limb and eye replacement center, among the busiest and finest in the world! Nowhere will you find a set of skills so fine as captured by the staff and faculty of our university.

Also, we understand you require the fielding of an American football team. We assure you that though we have not in the history of our fine university been afforded the opportunity of having a football team of the American variety, we are invested in the process of recruiting players at this moment. We assure you their reflexes have been honed in a manner your players have not experienced before, and that loud noises and sudden impact will not faze them in the least.

We are also used to working with substandard facilities and difficult conditions, so beginning as the little brother of your conference will be no problem. We also do not have a direction in our name, unlike this Eastern Carolina who also wishes to sully your conference.

In conclusion, we would love to join your conference immediately or as soon as possible.


The faculty and staff of Baghdad University, a.k.a. the University of Baghdad.

p.s. We are also willing to relocate the entire university to the eastern seaboard of the United States for the sake of you and your members' convenience as soon as possible. It is of the deepest generosity and respect to you that we offer this.