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WE COULD ALSO GIVE THEM JELLY SHOES AND RIBBONS

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I say! That schedule is positively brutal!

John Adams from the Knoxville News Sentinel played an important role in the founding of our country, and we thank him for that. (Mad daps to you from us for your refusal to pay bribes to Talleyrand in the XYZ affair; "filth in silk stockings," indeed!) He also moonlights in the afterlife by writing columns on Tennessee football. While we appreciate the statesman's right to do anything he likes in his now two-centuries-long retirement, we humbly suggest he is the one wearing silk stocking in most ladylike fashion, as he's suggesting the SEC change its traditional scheduling because it's "hard."

In UT's dreadful 5-6 season of 2005, you could fill a book with all that went wrong.

One chapter should include the schedule, which included road games at LSU, Florida and Alabama. UT was fortunate to win one of those games.

The SEC is supposed to be tough. It doesn't have to be that tough.

And in that span of impossible scheduling, the SEC has won two BCS titles ("THREE!" says an Auburn fan from a plush bunker in Southern Alabama), reaped the largest profits of any conference in the nation, posted an impressive mark in bowl games, handily held up its end of a fat television partnership with CBS, and launched its own space program. (See: Ohio State, successfully shot into space twice.) Adams' sole rationale for even proposing a changed schedule is that Tennessee hasn't performed well in the 21st century, even though they made the conference title game last year. (?)

Adams clearly is onto something here, since even conservative schedulers like Georgia and Florida are putting babies like, er...Arizona State and Miami back on the schedule? We must respectfully disagree with our founding father here, since the move in the SEC seems to be not toward mitigating the bearish schedules, but diving facefirst into the woodchipper. If you don't make it, the results are swift and gory; but jam the machine up with your well-hardened skull and you'll sail though just fine. Tennessee doesn't need an easier schedule: it needs more Eric Berrys on both sides of the ball, and you know, if you rob a government lab or two, you're sure to find them. (Hint: look under the "Universal Soldier" tab under "Berry, Unstoppable Badass.")

Why does John Adams fear competition? WHY DOES HE HATE AMERICA WHEN HE HELPED BUILD IT?

(PS. Under his plan, Auburn/UGA would cease to be a yearly matchup. See? He does hate America.)