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CUDDLE PARTY. SEXUAL ASSAULT. OPINIONS VARY.

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Not always true.

University of Arizona defensive end Jonathan Turner has been indicted in connection with an alleged sexual assault that took place last month. (My, that's a tortured sentence. Viva legalese!) Turner was the projected starter for Arizona, and it's all very sad and unfortunate that the Wildcats will be inconvenienced by his absence.

However, we think any discussion of "cuddling" should be narrowly defined for the benefit of all parties in all cases of close bodily contact. Cuddling is a voluntary activity, and should involve two fully awake partners who agree to any and all cuddling in advance. At no point should a participant in the cuddling "trip out" for any reason. Finally, cuddling also should not involve soiling couches.

"Mr. Turner followed her into the bedroom and stated nothing had happened," the search-warrant affidavit said. "He described (the victim) as 'tripping out.' He continued to state he was just 'cuddling' with (the victim)." The victim was taken to St. Mary's Hospital by her friends, and sheriff's adult-sex-crimes detectives investigated. DNA evidence was obtained, along with two quilts and seat cushions from the couch, the search warrant shows.

This reminder of why sleeping on college students' couches is inadvisable is brought to you by the President's Council For Hygiene, who reminds you that if you had a black light, you wouldn't really be able to sleep anywhere at all, and probably really shouldn't for your own good.

Oh, and give Arizona three points for felony sexual assault, and one additional bonus point for the unsavory details involving a couch and "fluids" for a total of four points in the Fulmer Cup. We're going to wash our hands right now.