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Ever watch John David Booty throw a pick and say to yourself, "I bet that guy's Wonderlic score sucks." Take a donut, cavalier: you are correct. Booty got a 14, tied for lowest in the available qb scores in this year's draft. The other: Andre Woodson. Both are idiots who now, most likely, have more money than you do. Go ask them if they want to play a game of mental acuity with you. At stake? Millions of dollars!

Your retirement problem? Sol-ved, friend.

Cthulu loves UCLA. Bad for you that the many-tentacled one's love is a harsh, evil, and ultimately crushing one. Pat Cowan out for the season with asploded knee. Gutty Little Bruins only real solace may be in the Nestorwatch, and even that dish comes with a fair amount of heartburn.

They'll put up a statue of you. And then pull it down with a tank. Former Nebraska AD Steve Pederson--he who fired Frank Solich and hired Bill Callahan, the most brilliant football coach to ever give up seventy points to Kansas--wanted the Saddam treatment, just without the whole botched hanging and downed statuary part.

Pederson telling a former Husker player when success returned at NU that people will "put up a statue of me." (Pederson, now the A.D. at Pittsburgh, twice declined interview requests for this story through a spokesman.)

Pederson also instituted quarterly performance reviews, the organizational management equivalent of hourly rectal exams. In the Harry Potter books, people like this end up raped by centaurs. That's a bit too kind, in our opinion. Simple rule: if you want a statue built of yourself and cannot perform a task of great athleticism for money, you are a flaming asshole.

Thank you, life. We get this all season, starting with the summary of Arkansas' spring game.

The last time we saw Dick dominate in the air like that, it was the phallic grooveship from the "Come on Ride That Train" video.

The day you take my truck nutz you will have to pry them from my cold dead hands. The Florida Legislature, who only meet for a month a year anyway, have decided to devote time (but no precious oxygen, having no brain cells) to the issue of whether or not to ban truck nutz.

America's wang, represent please:

In a spirited debate laced with double entendre, Senate lawmakers questioned whether the state should curtail freedom of expression in vehicle accessories.

Critics of the ban included the Senate Rules Chairman, Sen. Jim King, a Jacksonville Republican whose truck sported a pair until his wife protested.

Our business plan for truck nutz underwear and speedos? Now taking investors. Get in on the ground floor while you can.