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EDSBS ARCHIVES: JUNE 11, 1935

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The electric cries of the crowd and exultations of the gathered hundreds at the Mid-Northwestern Sons of Lower Umbria Fair of Charlottesville Virginia THRILLED to the brave spiral daredevil antics of young turks Joey "Pancetta" Paterno and Robert "Rocket" Bowden!

The duo placed their moxie and manhoods on the line for the pleasure of the general public by placing their vehicles in the WHEEL OF DEATH, the very same CirVerticular track that claimed the life of the shapely maiden Jeanne Featherbottom and her driver Mack Weekly though gory decapitation in last year's exciting Mid-Northwestern Sons of Lower Umbria Fair!

Paterno piloted Nemeon, his trusty quadricar, to victory in a twenty lap bout with Rocket Bowden, vehiculating around the center ring with such vociferous a-rat-a-tat-tattling of pistons that decent folk abandoned their interest in other fair exhibits---even the wildly popular anthropological exhbit, "Shemanti: Naked Came the Hottentot!"

An urchin fell into the ring, causing much merriment as he panicked in a comical fashion as the vehicles spewed blue leaded exhaust from their mighty autorectums! Pathos hung heavy in the air as he rattled around the ring like a trapped baboon, but the sentiment turned quickly to excitement as he was devoured by Joey Paterno's boon companion, Howard the Lion, in a single fortuitous swipe of paw and crunch of jaw!

"Rocket" Bowden, riding his steed Traveller, placed second, and vowed to best Paterno in a race. "The olive oil makes him faster! Check his papers, dadgummit! He's an ANARCHIST! I'll outlast him yet!"

Paterno celebrated with a reading of Cicero, a plate of his people's odious, garlic-reeking food, and by taking his shirt off, revealing a wife-beater and suspenders. When asked if Howard the Lion had helped him to victory, Paterno responded with an ironic wit Petronius himself would have envied: "Lion? What lion? Are you drunk?"

(HT: Flubby)