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Mentioned before we get too far over the horizon of your attention span, located approximately somewhere in the fourth word of this sentence, but what the hell we'll do it anyway.

Arizona State had a theoretically perfect spring game: a tie. Dennis Erickson says equivocations and coachspeak a-plenty in reference to the game, so we'll review what one can learn from a spring game ending in a 17-17 tie: Jack Shit and his friend Null Sett. (He's a Dutch designer.)

The new shirt is here! The new shirt is here! Notre Dame's new motto for "the shirt" for 2008: TAH-NOO-TAH!!!! That's if they knew what was true and awesome in this world, and they don't, instead choosing to roll out "Wake Up the Echoes" once more. Notre Dame: where doo-wop never died! But then again, you knew that already.

The Echoes: Is that Urban Meyer in the back?

Prepare to be boarded, first-string. Pirate Mike doesn't like what he sees at spring practice, senses complacency on the first string, yarr! Michael Crabtree, ye floundered two passes through yer mitts? Possessed by the spanish pox after too many ruts in the brothels of St. Simon's, eh? A flogging and mercury treatment fer the lot of ye!

Nebraska's offense got flubby in their spring game, and so did Demarrio Williams, a former Husker standout returning to do what Americans in the middle of the country adore doing: taking big public pledges not to do things, and then watching half of them go out and do precisely what they just promised not to do.

And there were instances where you were glad not to be the other guy, such as when the football audibly smacked I-back Marcus Mendoza in the faceguard, or former Husker Demorrio Williams lost his place while reading a drug-free pledge at halftime and omitted a few lines.

He had to omit the lines about marijuana, right? Intentionally? Because der Gropehfuhrer says it's a leaf, and not a drug, and if Arnold said it then it must be true and perfect like his massive 1977 biceps, which he created through more weight and more reps, and like his 1990 classic Kindergarten Cop, marketed in East Asia under the even more perfect title Devil, King of Children.

It's already that bad. David Cutcliffe, unfairly excerpted on Duke's otherwise cautiously optimistic spring game:

"If we could split me in half, we would do that," Cutcliffe said.

Not only is he a blogger talking in the first person plural, he's admitting the pain of coaching at Duke already.