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FRIDAY CHEESECAKE: SERVICE LADIES OF BASIC CABLE

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Layla, WWE Diva.

AC/DC currents of alternating gayness and raging, uncontrollable straight asslust underlie our crush on Layla: we saw her for the first time not on Raw!, but on Project Runway when the designers all got a universal FAIL in attempting to make outfits for them. Their ineptitude aside (including Christian! UNfierce!), Layla looked like wiggling sex going down the runway, and in a pleasant change from most "hot" women on television, is only slightly underfed.

She also gets attacked in shower catfights and, strictly in the name of professional Diva behavior only, kisses other women. She also has an English accent. We'd say more, but you're sold and googling in a very unprofessional way already. Mission accomplished.

Maria Bartiromo, MSNBC.

The money honey herself. Oh, sometimes I like my girls a little bit older. I just want to use your love tonight, Maria, but not in any cheap, subprime kind of way. No, you're classier than that, which might explain the lack of shots of your anal cleft covered only by a pair of hot pants or bikini bottoms on the internet. No matter: I promise heavy investment up front, solid dividends throughout the night, and no going public with this venture until you're good and ready, baby. I mean, ma'am.

Olivia Munn, G4.

Far too much woman for a channel for geeks, and god bless her for it. She's on the skinny side, but if you've been to DragonCon, geeks will take this in stride. In fact, geeks would take amputees and 320 pound women in corsets in stride, since at DragonCon the scrumpcards of even the homeliest, fly-swarmed slattern looks like waiting list at an exurban Carrabba's on Friday night. ("Oh, the bread! You gotta have the bread!")

Gains ample attractiveness points for being endlessly game on a show where she's paraded around as the sample vagina in a sea of sausage.

Kari Byron.

A reliable basic cable diva whose luster remains brassy, dyed-fake, and geekily enthusiastic. She also has a nice ass.

The rest of her's lovely to spec, as well.

Handy with power tools, armed with a decent understanding of applied electronics, and sturdy enough to withstand being shocked, burned, jostled, and whatever else we're leaving off the list. A solid standard on the basic cable hottie circuit who, by being all of those things, sounds prepared for an evening of loving at Casa Swindle.

BONUS!!!: Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. Why she wasn't on this list first, we'll never know. We can only plead incompetence, sleep deprivation, and our own constant level of ineptitude.