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And our starting tight end is Woggy Patel. Iowa's starting tailback in their upcoming spring scrimmage: Paki O'Meara. He has luscious hair and sensitive, huggy eyes, and his first name is an ethnic slur for Pakistanis. Iowa football, your magic ride into football absurdity is just one big log-flume ride of enchanted amusement.

That's fucked up, Rich. Remember West Virginia's Calvin Magee alleging that a West Virginia official told him he would never get the head job in Morgantown because he's black? That guy was supposedly Larry Aschebrooke, who is heaving a steaming fresh affadavit of his own back at Rodriguez in the ongoing legal tussle over the 4 million dollar buyout.

Aschebrook also detailed a conversation between himself, Rodriguez and Magee. Aschebrook alleged Rodriguez made him a promise of employment at Michigan and added this statement: "This isn't about you Larry, it's about me. You can't afford it, I can't afford it. I don't have $200,000 in the bank. I'm paying for [wife] Rita's family, my family, and [West Virginia is] doing this to me. I'm sorry about this, but it's business not friendship."

Aschebrook's response: "That's fu--ed up Rich."

How you pronounce that is beyond us: we think we that means is "fucked up," and it would be. If it was true. We assume everyone is lying to some degree in this case, and that the mad monkey-squabble for moneybananas in the Rodriguez departure turned everyone into screaming, amoral apes.

Dan Hawkins is so straight-edge. Big X's on the back of his hands, Vegan Reich tapes in his hand. A duh-RAG at parties, baby: that's Dan Hawkins at your big 420 party this weekend.

NOTES: Dan Hawkins let it be known that he is not a fan of 420 Day. "I am a little down on that, I am a lot down on that, unequivocally down on that, in a big way," said Hawkins. He said the team knows how he feels about the topic.

You'll forget he was there anyway man, and just settle down on the couch to play a little Rainbow Six: Vegas 2, forget you were playing, and wake up to find you've been sleeping with a spilled drink in your lap for seven hours. At least, that's probably what our 420 party will go like.

I hate you all. Not you; no, that you. One of the jackfucks pushing for a congressional investigation into the BCS is Lynn Westmoreland, who really is so dumb he thinks fireflies are the floating burning dingleberries of Satan's ass. But Steven Colbert already proved this:

We are wearing a flag pin as we say this, so it's okay.

Today is National Columnist Day. Hug one, but be prepared to reach wide and smell like onions afterward.