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YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW? REALLY?

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You don't need to know that. What? Whatever. Fans don't need to know. Anything.

I thought we could get through this without this stuff without an issue. But if you really wanna know how we're gonna deal with it? I mean, really? Fine. I'll let you know how we're gonna deal with it.

---John Parker Wilson's gonna go to Bonnaroo. And when he does, he's gonna get the bad acid. We'll call it Lyme disease and get him a medical exemption. Don't ask me where we got the idea. You don't need to know that, either.

---Jimmy Johns will leave to pursue a religious calling. He's gonna go find a trust fund in his name for $250K in Buenos Aires and then scream, "Praise Jesus!" The trick is: he's got to walk there. It'll take him years, but we're all about the process here at Alabama. I told Jimmy to watch the crocodiles in the Isthmus of Panama. He's a good kid. He might make it.

---I will pit two of Shula's signees against each other, and place both in a circle. The circle will be outlined in flames. Two shall enter; none shall leave. Because I'm going to have a sniper shoot the winner, and it's all gonna happen in slow motion, because this is MY PRISON MOVIE, I'M THE WARDEN, AND YOU'RE ALL DANCING NANCIES IN MY SHAWSHANK SCRIPT!!!!

I also have an announcement, yes, an announcement everyone: there is a horde of killer bees loose on campus, and they're following Leigh Tiffin around campus. Why he's covered with honey, I don't know. That's why I returned to the college game: for young people, and the crazy things they do, like walking in front of a masked man carring a honey sprayer and a basket full of killer bees on campus and not thinking, "Oh, my, what's a man doing with a mask on and a gun that sprays honey and a basket labeled "KILLER BEES", nope not suspicious at all." Gotta love that about college kids.

I believe that takes care of five scholarships right there. I mean, we're praying for Leigh to recover.

Now if you'll excuse me, I don't have time for this shit.

(HT: The Wiz.)