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CURIOUS INDEX, 4/17/08

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It's inevitable. If you drive around long enough in Atlanta, you will find yourself in your car inexplicably doing the Bankhead Bounce to the same song the 47 year old black woman next to you is doing a sitting variation of the stomp to...and when it's gospel, it's even weirder. Weird or not, disco gospel from Kirk Franklin kicks off the day today. Ms. Johnson from the car next to us (we're tight like that now) and I are going to have coffee together at the Starbucks by the Magic Johnson theatre and discuss her crazy daughter's fascinating ways, and how men are dogs, and nothing but.

Blame Orson. Orson Charles of Plant High School broke Florida's national title trophy with his ass, bumping it off its pedestal and shattering the crystal football into a thousand well-insured pieces. Charles now has a powerful incentive to attend Florida, since we were so nice about him destroying our trophy and all.

A frightened Charles thought he was in big trouble but felt relieved when assistant coach John Hevesy and head coach Urban Meyer joked about it (Hevesy said now he had to commit to UF, Meyer asked him how it felt to be a Gator). The trophy was insured, Charles would later learn, and Florida has ordered a replacement trophy. The school will receive it in the next few months.

Auburn is still waiting on theirs from 2004. (Ducks internet machine gun fire.) LSU got one with two losses; Auburn doesn't sniff one with zero. Dr. Pangloss, this is the best of all possible worlds!

Syracuse football: admitting it is the first step. Learning is unlearning is ignorance is strength is weakness is power: the first sentence of this report on the final spring practice from Syracuse football is all one needs to know about the Greg Robinson era at Syracuse.

If Greg Robinson has learned anything about his team these past four weeks of practice, it's that there are still more questions than answers.

What he's learned is that there are known knowns, unknown knowns, and what those things that are still known are unknown. Oh, and that competition is really, really important. And stuff. The funniest fact from Syracuse's practice: Doug Hogue, a sophomore running back, soared to the starting position because of both his talent and the fact that every other running back went down at one time or another with injuries. He's underwhelmed by how he got the job, but get it how you get it: the last man standing gets the gold, mate. (What does it say about that clip that Steven Bradbury was hailed as an Aussie hero? Only what we already know: that Australia is the last and best hope for humanity.)

Sam Young: heavily dramatic. Sam Young, who claims to have added 43 pounds of lean muscle in a year, did not. It's just impossible according to the laws of human physiology. (Even roid users have a hard time packing on that kind of mass in a year. If Barry Bonds and Carrot Top couldn't do it, it just can't be done.) He did star in a play, however, where he plays someone who tries to kill someone, a role no one on the ND offensive line played last year in any way.

We remain unimpressed. Call us when he's ballsy enough to do ballet in a dress, baby, like Florida alum and Titan/Buc Ben Troupe:


That's Motherfucking Mother Ginger to you, punk.

ANARCHY!!! Terry Donohue explains the origins of the "over-the-wall" tradition at UCLA.

"The players thought it would be a good idea to throw the coaches in the shower, then go over the wall," Donahue said. "That's exactly what they did. I climbed up the tower so they couldn't get me. Then they proceeded to wander around campus singing Christmas carols."

Can you say PCP? We can. Angel dust was huge in 1980. Just ask Helen Hunt.