While the iron was still lukewarm, we elected to award our own college football Oscars, enlisting Holly for the local assist from a Hollywood type. Sadly, not even Dan Hawkins' bowl cut could challenge the haircut of Anton Chigurh, but there's much to laud and statuettes to hand out.
Holly's Picks, Ensured by Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper.
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Bobby Petrino, in "Trust Me."
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Trooper Taylor, in "Baby Come Back."
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Jimmy Clausen's turn as a frail starlet in "Ouchtown, Population: You, Brah" has critics calling him the next Nicole Kidman.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Britton Colquitt, in "Among the Injured Were..."
Best animated film of the year
Eric Berry's "The Waterbug"
Achievement in art direction
Achievement in cinematography
The camera works at impossible speed to capture Ram Vela's transformation into a human cruise missile.
Achievement in costume design
Darren McFadden.
Achievement in directing
Josh McNeil, "The Center, The Neighbor, His Girl, And Her Cousin." This newcomer shows real promise with his deft handling of such a large ensemble cast.
Achievement in editing
The University of Hawaii, manipulating a series of delicious cream-filled romps into a rip-roaring Sugar Bowl Berth in "How Green Were My Cupcakes".
Best foreign language
Maurkice Pouncey, in "...I'm Sorry?"
Achievement in makeup
"It Came From Death Valley"
Achievement in music (Original song)
Our Love Is On 4th Down (Why Don't You Go For It)
Achievement in sound
Joe Kines, "The Inside Trout".
(YES, it from 2006. It's Joe Kines, and we don't care. Time obeys Joe Kines wishes and quivers at his voice.)
Achievement in visual effects
Darren McFadden, "Cry, The Beloved Crown Vic".
Screenplay
(Get it? GET IT??)
Best motion picture of the year
In a world where heroes are born...in a time of champions...heads will lift...voices will raise...and all men will say as one, "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"
Lloyd Carr. Mike Hart. Chad Henne. Jason Gingell. And introducing Corey Lynch, in..."Trail of Codgers".
Orson's Picks, Insured By 1-800-SAFE-AUTO: Like EDSBS, when you want the minimum and don't want to pay a penny more.
Performance by an actor in a leading role: Charlie Weis in "God Grew Tired of Us." At no point did any actor display more range and versatility in confronting the agony of existence than Charlie: installing a new offense for one game, going weeks without scoring a touchdown, reconvening practice and declaring all roster spots open...the odyssey was written on the sad jowls of the coach each week. Roger Ebert would have called it "an excelsior triumph," but he's too busy spanking it to Juno on his 22nd viewing.
Performance by an actor in a supporting role Owen Schmitt, West Virginia. Taking on the role of a runaway beer truck wasn't a stretch, but Schmitt inhabited the role with steamroller perfection. And like a beer truck, he drinks gasoline, farts exhaust, and his approach is beloved by all West Virginians
Performance by an actress in a leading role. The Florida secondary, whose portrayal of a woman who simply couldn't say no to even the most clumsy of advances was gripping, disturbing, and ultimately fringed wih the lovely romance of unqualified doom.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role: Bill Callahan, whose portrayal of frustrated ambition and unchecked provincial Bovarisme at Nebraska was as clinical and unfeeling as an appendectomy.
Best animated film of the year Darren McFadden as the Silver Surfer.
Achievement in art direction Lee Corso's skin tone in HD:
Achievement in cinematography The brilliant hand-held documentary work and orange anger expressed in Mike Gundy's short film, "It'sgarbageImamanimforty: A Cowboy's Season."
Achievement in costume design One word: Schnellenberger.
Achievement in directing Les Miles for his saga "Have a Great Day," the heartwrenching tale of a man torn between his college love, and the spicy, full-blooded Cajun woman who simply wouldn't let him go. Also features a pivotal and eye-dazzling sailing scene.
Achievement in editing Lloyd Carr, for rewriting a brutal storyline by finishing with a victory in the Outback Bowl despite two brutal, stunning murder scenes earlier in the season.
Best foreign language. Colt Brennan's Samoan lines in "AAAAAGGGGHHH MY GOD SOMETHING'S BLEEDING IN MY INSIDES" in the Sugar Bowl.
Achievement in makeup
Achievement in music (Original song) Music is used here in a very, very liberal manner:
Achievement in sound A joint award to ESPN and to Will "Boom, Motherfucker" Muschamp.
Achievement in visual effects This Ohio State fan at the BCS Title game:
Screenplay Ohio State's amazing sequel to their 2006 season, adapted from an original idea inspired by the Iggy Pop David Bowie song "Always Crashing In The Same Car."
Best motion picture of the year: The rebaptism of the gridiron romantic. A repeat mention of a player, but worth it. We cried into our mink coat just watching it:
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