Gimme your money, motherfucker. There's an Uzi under this wing.
The Fulmer Cup tracks which college football program is truly most felonious and troubled. This is how we award the points.
Louisville makes a massive dive into the Fulmer Cup. Appropriately, it's for a crime that like Louisville began with aggressive offense and leaves them little defense. Even weirder: this was no raw freshman pulling the caper, but senior cornerback Rod Council, who after four years of relatively good behavior at Louisville got a wild feather up his ass and decided to rob a convenience store, conveniently ignoring Gale's advice to H.I. in Raising Arizona: "I know you're partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn't rise and set on the corner grocery."
Police say he robbed a Jonathan Valley convenience store Wednesday morning and was captured in Tennessee.
According to the incident report, Council allegedly entered the store about 4:15 a.m. and pulled what looked to be a 9mm Uzi on the clerk, who was the only other person in the store at the time.
The suspect demanded all the money and the clerk's cellular phone and fled the store. The store's security cameras were able to catch the suspect leaving in a silver Chevrolet Impala.
At least he did it in style. Council's only charged with one count of robbery with a dangerous weapon, but a brazen daylight robbery of a convenience store while class is in session...this calls for the good bubbly. Five points to Louisville: three for your generic felony count, one bonus point for going nuts and robbing a convenience store, and another for using the Israeli masterpiece, the Uzi, to commit the crime.
In summary: what the fuck, Rod?
West Coast, what? Unimpressed by Tennessee punter Britton Colquitt's denting of a car while DUIving around Knoxville, Oregon State starting safety Al Afalava repped the West Coast right by piling his car into a bus shelter in Corvallis, Washington, creating a boom in the real estate market by destroying one of the ten buildings currently making up downtown Corvallis. (Corvallis, we keed! Sort of!)
His blood alcohol content was above the legal limit, and well above a 1.0, Henslee said.
OMG his blood was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALCOHOL?!?!?!?!?! Call Fark.com, this has...wait, sorry. Fractions, decimals, and percentages were never our strong suit. He was good and hammered, though: you have to be to drive through a bus shelter without having a seizure or a man pointing a gun at your head in the passenger seat.
The points get large fast with this one: three for the grand DUI, three for criminal mischief (a felony), and an estimated two for hit and run, since we're not sure whether that's a felony or a misdemeanor charge in Oregon. That is, in a single incident, eight points for Oregon State, a thunderous opening gambit in the intricate chess match that is the Fulmer Cup.