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Because your day totally needed the PSU drum major and the compelling 1982 anthem of success:

It's official: Major Applewhite is joining Mack Brown's staff as running backs coach, a step down from his previous job title as offensive coordinator at Alabama, but a step up in that he will actually do the job assigned to him by title at Texas. Kevin Scarbinsky cites "insiders" as to why Applewhite would take the step down:

Insiders say he wasn't ready to be an offensive coordinator in the SEC, which explains why Saban tried to hire Jimbo Fisher, Jason Garrett, Rob Spence and one or two others before he settled on Applewhite.

We always wonder if "insiders" aren't guys named "Nick Saban," but we know that can't be true. He doesn't have time for that shit.

Applewhite will be making the same amount of money at Texas, another reason besides not working for Nick Saban that the move makes abundant sense. Mack Brown is, in his own words, making Major moves.

Ryan Mallett is fleeing Michigan for Arkansas, and it's official and not just based on Mallett's name popping up on a registry at a dorm. Mallett's transfer relies on the calculus of having no speed or ability to run, and the current offense at Michigan requiring at least a modicum of both in order to work. Mallett will be transported in an upright position on a rail car to Fayetteville, where he may play drop-back statue in Bobby Petrino's pro-style offense.

(Unfair terminology: the Petrino offense should be referred to as the 13 game pro-style offense now, we think. Perhaps this is the reason Petrino left: his playbook, written for college, only has 13 weeks of content, and when he hit week 14, he panicked, quit, and went pig-sooey overnight.)

Paul Rhoads is your new Auburn defensive coordinator, coming over from Pitt in a delayed move to the Plains. Tuberville offered Rhoads the job in 2002, but Pitt paid up to keep him. Given the money, though, Rhoads endured a few years of meow-accented defensive mediocrity from the Pitt defense before a solid top ten year this year. This included the 13-9 destruction of the Mountaineers' and their BCS shot, a performance against the nation's original spread offense monsters that should lessen Auburn fans' grief over losing Will "Boom, Motherfucker!" Muschamp to Texas.