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MAHALO-VERDRIVE: THE NIGHT SHIFT, UGA/HAWAII

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This here's the night shift, motherfuckers, so stand up to avoid blood clots and join us for the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans. There's no way Georgia won't win this game! Their inevitability is biblical fact! Like Archduke Franz Ferdinand, no man can stop them! Not even Fran Tarkenton's power mullet!

8:33: No anthem will equal the glory of the Banner as performed by a band called Bonerama. New Orleans, you lead into life dick-first.

8:43: Hawaii gets an instant advantage as the rainbow flags on the sideline will keep Georgia from putting their hands directly on Hawaii players, since that would be gay and gay catches like the influenza and the AIDS.

8:57: That's the coolest fucking catch interference penalty we've ever seen. Did we say cool? We meant dirty. No, we meant totally fucking awesome.

9:03: Dennis Haysbert, we will drive however the fuck we want. We glom this attitude directly from Georgia's rushing defense, who is driving however the fuck they want through Hawaii's defense. A gimp-ankled Knowshon Moreno just scored a TD. Boy, this is gonna be a colonoscopy of a game.

9:12: From our attorney, concerning FOX's overhead cam:

that skycam looks like Number 5 from Short Circuit
I wonder if Steve Gutenburg is running it

It has more personality than Thom Brennaman. That's for sure.

9:37: Everything about this game sucks, unless you're a Georgia fan: zero time for Brennan to throw, zero champizzle left in the fridge, zero hope that Georgia won't just run the little Soulja-boy dancing turbobastard Knowshon Moreno when and wherever they please, and zero interest from the announcers, since Thom Brennaman is announcing the game with the verve and enthusiasm of a sedated zombie.

9:59: And Colt Brennan throws his first pick, and Hawaii is limpdicked and sinking, and this game never should have happened. To make things worse, Thom Brennaman isn't even registering as someone speaking English anymore: his vocal cords thrum dully on, attempting to convey some information we can't perceive through the thick fart-cloud of his narration. They mention that UGA gets his own crypt in Sanford Stadium, and he says "Let's hope that's a long way off." Why did you even say this, Thom? What the fuck does this perform besides establishing that you are capable of the least in humane courtesy? Amuse us and say, "I bet that dog would eat the dead body of its owner, but only after a few days. It would definitely wait a few days."

10:13: And just as Hawaii pulls off one good play, Jason Rivers gets to talk to his ancestors for a few minutes has he's blasted from hell to breakfast by a Georgia defender. Georgia will make sure you get the picture by burning a picture of Queen Liliuokalani and giving the bagpipe to their collected girlfriends on the sidelines. WE GET IT YOU'RE BETTER PLEASE DON'T HURT THE MAGICAL FAIRIES OF HAWAII.

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11:02: June Jones says Brennan's had things open, but can't hasn't had the protection to see them. This means Hawaii's done, done, done, and that Thom Brennaman's somnambulent announcing, bad for baseball, will get even worse as Georgia's defense tries to put the real spicy concussions on the Hawaii qb. If you see another post after this, be shocked, since this sucks like no one's business and can't possibly get any better.

(And of course Pete Carroll has his own little person. He speaks horse and can tell you have a fever just from the way your right eye looks a bit milky. He's Pete Carroll, imbued with powers you cannot understand.)

We're going to bed, and if you want to send a message to Fox, you should too. When Animals Attack is fine when it's huge animals almost eating people; watching Georgia really try to kill Colt Brennan is just sick.