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THE BOWLD AND BEAUTIFUL 2007: CHAMPS SPORTS BOWL

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Name: The Champs Sports Bowl. That place in the mall where you can buy tight fitteds, son, and 150 dollar athletic shoes you can't run in, son. OOO-WEEE! And them brushed/gold pom-poms, son! Prospicacious street goods, son!

Motto: "Real eroticism begins with the introduction of a third party." The quote from the end of Emanuelle is the best explanation why Orlando needed a third second bowl game: because they've got a stadium, little to do with it, a zillion hotel rooms, a nice airport, good weather, and have watched and learned from the lessons of Emanuelle by adding a third partner into the mix with the city and the Capital One Bowl.

Fake Bowl? No, as in backed by deep-pocketed mall retailer that sells the streetest pom-poms evah.

Intrusive Corporate Sponsor: Champs Sports, "where sports lives." We thought sport lived in our glowing green sweat and in Gatorade, so this could be the subject of some direly needed academic research.

Tradition rating: Around since 1990, back when we were glued to Dial MTV and learned that life will rip even the most tender and vulnerable things from your grasp and squash them to blood pudding in a hydraulic vise. Like Jim Henson, dammit.


Just go to the fucking doctor next time! Sobbing...

Setup: A Bangalore casting call: anyone who's around and available, evidently. The Big 10, Big 12, ACC, and Big East, and ACC have all made appearances in the history of the bowl, meaning they just want someone to hold them and love them and just show up, okay? A woman has low standards at this point in life. And Boston College, you're not showing up, only selling 6,000 or so of their 12,000 ticket allotment, meaning you'll be Boise-bound and out of this woman's arms, you emotionally unavailable bastards!

Why you should watch despite this being the Champs Sports Bowl and 5:00 on a Friday: For Matt Ryan, who being from New England and white instantly had horrific nicknames like "Matty Ice" thrown on him along with Tom Brady/Ted Williams/Sports Messiah aura. Luckily no one in New England cares enough about college football to destroy his young psyche with an intolerable level of celebrity, so he's doing fine and alternately saving his team's collective ass (as in the last second TD in the Virginia Tech game) and throwing them into the fire. Boston will start off throwing heavily and then throw even more if they feel threatened, either by a Michigan State lead or a particularly threatening security guard. The fewest attempts for BC this year passing has been 32; Ryan's gone over 40 ten times.

Michigan State has Jehuu Caulcrick, Javon Ringer, and guy who throws the ball. That's all you need to know: Ringer's the speed guy, Caulcrick is a bus-big back for the power downs, and sometimes they let Brian Hoyer throw the ball. If he's approaching 30 attempts, that ain't good for Michigan State. Their game plan will be squat-ball all the way, holding the ball forever and keeping it out of the hands of Matt Ryan. Boston College's run defense was the best in the nation. This may not be a good idea.

On defense, it would have been great fun watching Jonal Saint-Dic try to disrupt Ryan because Ryan's taken a good beating this year despite his productivity and glossy numbers. Unfortunately, Michigan State will be Saint-Dic-less due to Saint-Dic's sprained cerebrum and academic ineligibilty. We imagine BC wins this one in as sluggish a fashion as a team that throws the ball 40 times a game can, and then begins the fun of trying to replace someone who took every snap under center. Matty Ice! It's better than Matty Light! Or Matty Chill. That stuff tastes like iguana piss in a bottle.