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358 MILES

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I ain't goin' ta Atlanta. Thass a whole utha countrah!

It should surprise no one to find that Georgians do not like to travel--after all, why do you think the place got torched by the Union Army? Mostly because Georgians just kept sending notes to the Union Army reading "Hey, it's cold out. Come on down here and we'll tussle." It's also scientific fact that 42% of Georgia fans are fat white guys who only leave the confines of Gwinnett County to go to Georgia games and for heart surgery, so the immobility isn't surprising.

What is surprising is seeing it quantified, especially in terms of mileage traveled.

Georgia has traveled a total of 358 miles for nonconference road games since 1998. By comparison, Hawaii has traveled 72,918 miles.

Not that Florida, or any other SEC team may complain about his, since Tom Tancredo himself envies the xenophobic tendencies fo the conference as a whole:

Teams from the Southeastern Conference hold down seven of the top eight spots for teams having traveled the fewest miles. This includes Florida, which last played a nonconference road game outside of the Sunshine State on Sept. 21, 1991, at Syracuse.

But there's auslanders out there! And Jamba Juice stores, which we just know are a front for the homosexual atheist agenda! And also, more logically speaking, SEC teams can sit on their front porch and watch the money roll in without even getting their shoelaces dirty from hitting the road for longer than a few hours at a time.

(And go ahead and anthropomorphize the argument if you want, because you're illogical and will do it anyway: SEC teams are skurred! They don't want none! No, they just make shitloads of money shuffling around the block, and have no incentive to get wanderlust thanks to mountains of cash on the local circuit. Plus: strangers frighten and confuse us!)

Hawaii, however, has spent more time in the air than a John Kitna post route or Venus Williams' buttocks.