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Dear Jermaine Cunningham,



Like any 21st-century college student, I subsisted entirely on Jimmy John's for four years of my life. And like many recent graduates, I find the adult world to be a cold, unfeeling place entirely devoid of delicious sandwiches. There is one (1) franchise in all of California, one source for the be-all end-all of sandwich Valhalla...and it's in Clovis. CLOVIS. That's so far away that it's actually faster to rent a classic convertible and drive to Vegas with your friends, skip the slot machines and head straight to JJ's (DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME).

And you, Jermaine Cunningham, with your four-year education handed to you because you're reasonably adept (sack leader!) at hitting guys with your whole so callously toss away the greatest treasure of starving students everywhere because you can't be bothered to cough up a buck for a bag of chips? The only thing I could recognize on the menu at my froo-froo lunch date today turned out to be a sandwich made of RICE. I'd kill a man for half your lunch, if you hadn't already thrown it at some poor counter boy.

Cunningham and former Florida linebacker Jon Demps were arrested at 2:49 a.m. and charged with a count each of misdemeanor battery.

The hometown lawmen are going easy on them Gator boys here; those sandwiches have some serious heft to them, and all the density of a delicious brickbat.

The report did not specify exactly what kind of sandwich struck the victim.

Count yourself lucky, Cunningham. If you were rocking a (honest to god actual menu item, swear) Billy Club as a weapon, we have no choice but to applaud your sense of the dramatic...but if I hear you wasted a perfectly good #9 on wheat on a service employee, I'm coming for you, son, and bringing Hell with me. (With a brief stop for lunch.)