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I RECOMMEND ME

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Bystander: My god, this man's stopped breathing! Someone call a doctor! NOOOOOOOOW!

Tom Osborne: Hush, little man. Dr. Tom's here now.

Bystander: Oh, thank god. Look! He's turning blue!

Tom Osborne: Oh, it's just a doctorate in education. But I'm pretty sure I'm the right guy for the job. Fetch leeches, son.

You know who I like? Me.

Bystander, pacing at Starbucks: Where's my coffee?

Tom Osborne: Coming right up, young man.

Bystander: This tastes like bleach!

Tom Osborne: And urine, son. Pure urine. That's a latte, right?

Lonely woman: My husband neglects me.

Tom Osborne: Shhh, shhh. Quiet.

Lonely woman: Ohhh, Dr. Tom, is that a corn cob in your pocket, are you just happy to see me?

Tom Osborne: Well, heh, it actually is a corn cob. I carry it for luck. I'm just being sensitive and comforting without ulterior motives. I'll leave the satisfaction of your physical desires to my friend and former player Christian Peter here.

University of Nebraska: Hey, Tom. We need an interim head football coach.

Dr. Tom: I know just the man, everyone. I know just the man.

We know this is about recruiting, and being able to put Osborne in homes to talk to blue-chippers directly with a proper and legal title. Still, the Dick Cheney Award for self-nomination goes to Dr. Tom for naming himself as interim head coach.)