University of Louisiana-Monroe coach Charlie Weatherbie is celebrating for a few reasons. Sure, he's got reason to pop the bubbly because his team beat the Alabama Crimson Tide 21-14 on Saturday. But Weatherbie has 4 million other reasons to celebrate--namely, that he's going to be paid a salary commensurate to his record after beating the 4 million dollar man himself, Nick Saban.
Give the man a monkey. And his 4 million dollars.
"According to the win, I'm undervalued by 97 percent of what I should be paid," said Weatherbie, who earns a mere $130,000 as the coach of the Warhawks. "I'm looking forward to being paid what I'm truly owed and living out one of my lifelong dreams: buying a monkey, and then training it to smoke and drink beer."
ULM had no formal statement in response to Weatherbie's demands, but off-the-record sources were quoted as saying that "there was no fucking way" they could pay Weatherbie's new salary, citing the fact that "paying almost one-tenth of our total budget to a 5-6 football coach would be completely fucking insane."
Weatherbie, though, is confident something could be worked out. "Perhaps they could sell some land or something. I don't know. Have a bake sale. Charlie wants his monkey, and it's time to give him some bananas for all his hard work. Tell the sob stories to my agent, pencilnecks. Bananas, motherfuckers."
Weatherbie's not the only one making cash from the hash of the Crimson Tide's loss.
With Saban's wage skewing all coaching salaries, agents are rushing to the gates to demand audiences with ADs across the nation.
"It's criminal that with six wins and a likely defeat in the Iron Bowl to come, my client is skimping along on $1.5 million dollars a year," said Kyle Torvald, agent for Kansas coach Mark Mangino. "At the very least, the going rate for a win on a mere 4 million dollars a year as Alabama's paying would take Mark Mangino up to $8 million a year, enough to pay for the pangolin flesh and whole pickled beluga whales that fuel his championship gameplanning."
Torvald paused, and looked pointedly at the back of the room where Kansas AD Lew Perkins stood. He then said, "And if Kansas doesn't want to put quality lye-infused whalemeat on Mark Mangino's bloodstained sideboard of victory, we're sure someone else will."
The inflationary effect still "pales in comparison to what most CEOs make," says economist Kevin Bridesworthy of the Brookings Institute, "but it's catching up."
"Soon we'll see coaches begin to make demands they previously couldn't dream of: sedan chairs, private brothels, payment in bricks of platinum, stacks of euros, private jets, you name it. They're gonna have it," says Bridesworthy, who also pointed out that Saban, building on his own contract's record-setting salary, could reasonably expect to renegotiate his own contract in the coming months to reach a $10-12 million dollar level on salary based on the overall increase.
The other form could even include custom luxury goods in the form of dedicated staff to manage the whims and likes of coaches. Les Miles' pending contract at Michigan includes an office stocked with its own private taffy-making machine and taffymakers on staff. When asked about the deal, Miles had no comment besides, "Mmmm, taffy."
Weatherbie's agent, Jimmy Sexton, is giddy with anticipation. "Certainly, the Saban deal establishes a level more in line with a coach's actual value to an organization. But it's really just a start. My client clearly is just as capable of going 6-6 as someone making 4 million dollars a year; why not reward him thusly?" asks Sexton, who also represents Nick Saban and negotiated the original $4 million dollar deal with Alabama.
And while the salary race is set to begin, Weatherbie's already living the dream.
"I really don't care where they get the money. I just want that monkey. He's gonna be funny as shit, right? Beer in his hand, cigarette in the other. Maybe I'll teach him to get me beer out of the fridge, or even blow the whistle during practice. Man, this is...this is just gonna be awesome."
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