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TALKING BABIES ARE DISTURBING

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Dennis Dixon is behind Tim Tebow in every major statistical category. If you're the sort who assumes there's some kind of logic in this world and that things are decided by the elegant implications of numbers alone, then go right ahead then and do that. We assume Galileo always recants, that people still step down open elevator shafts without looking, and there's a confident 15 year-old girl out there right now jumping up and down after sex, confident she won't get pregnant.

It isn't about raw numbers, and never will be. Oregon only has one loss to Florida's three, mostly because of the efficient and more importantly consistent play of Dennis Dixon. Plus: he's a senior, and that gets you more awards because there's some kind of age clause written into college football awards.* They only go to juniors and seniors because four is more than three, and three is more than two, and it's very, very American to reward people not based on performance, but on age and seniority. Wait, we're sorry. That's Japan. We regret the error.

Anyway, if he doesn't botch his biggest resume line--leading Oregon to a Pac-10 title and a shot at the national crown--Dennis Dixon's walking away with a professional curse and postseason award hardware thingies. Not that we care, since by rule we don't. However, remember one small crime that happened along the way: a talking baby video in support of Dennis Dixon's candidacy for whatever award it is that gets given to a very good college football player after the season over four or five other equally good college football players.

Talking babies are an abomination second only to dancing infants and, as mentioned in the video, the defense for the Nebraska Cornhuskers.

*You have to squint, but it's etched right there in the bottom of all of them, along with the born-on date of the beer inside. Another little-known fact about post-season awards is they are filled with beer. Kenny Stabler was the first one to figure this out, actually.