This week’s buys and sells, as presented by Hannibal and Orson. Enjoy.

Hannibal’s Buys:

Georgia. I feel your pain, Orson, but what happened at the Cocktail Party was an essential bloodletting if Georgia is going to take control of this wayward division with the kind of year-end run it pulled off last year. Troy, Auburn, Kentucky and Georgia Tech stand between 10-2 and, if Tennessee loses one of its last three conference games, the East title. We always wish for the very best health and welfare on behalf of our fellow man, of course, of course, but re: Thomas Brown’s injury, any event that results in more carries by Knowshon Moreno is a
positive event where the Bulldog offense is concerned. When Georgia has had that durable number one back in the past – Musa Smith, Verron Haynes, young Thomas Brown – Mark Richt’s offense has hummed, and here we are again.

Knowshon Moreno. Good.

Speaking of Richt: nothing to apologize for. The whole team storming the field was a fun, spontaneous move that boosted morale
for the rest of the game, and the game now will boost morale for the rest of the season. Georgia was dead for a decade and a half against Florida and dead in the East standings going into Saturday, and neither is true anymore. Just remember: like any good trick, it only works once.

Texas. Still hasn’t beaten a good team, but things seemed to gel in the second half against Nebraska. Colt McCoy is still making very “gutty” plays in the verable “small town hick” tradition, like staring down his first option or, occasionally, running around aimlessly after failing to recognize open men. But if the Longhorns will commit to running Jamaal Charles, dammit, and doing what they do best (the read option, if the quarterback is a threat to run), UT can finish the season on a six-game run and be in pretty good position for one of the wide open at-large spots in the BCS, or the Cotton Bowl at worst.

BYU. Just quietly cruising along in the Mountain West. (more…)

Ohio State fans have achieved the impossible. Despite craving the taste of teargas from birth, allegedly beating up handicapped people, and entering each game with the homicidal zeal of an ultra-nationalist Spartak supporter armed with a Camelbak full of cut rate vodka distilled from radioactive Ukrainian produce, you have become an object of sympathy.

Mission accomplished, Penn State fans. You now have the mantle of playing the barbarians in Capital One commercials. You can even now crush that small businessmen smugly in the ads, too, you dicks. You never give him a chance.

THAT WAS THE SICKEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN! YOU ARE THE MAN! We’re shocked they didn’t fistpound and then immediately play tummysticks out of sheer excitement before watching Penn State die a slow, miserable death 37-17 to Ohio State. We commend the Florida legislature for their foresight in passing a bill to make firing your weapon under threat legal, as these people clearly would have been shot in response to the beer-pelting. (Remember: don’t tase me, bro! Shoot me. Tasing is for real bitches.)

Subcommandante Wayne says he thinks these guys are bitches and all, and he woulda laid down some asskick flooring free of charge, but the Grand Am was broken and he couldn’t get to the game, man.

(Multiple tips: Yost, Big Ten Tailgate.)

Our special guest is Tom Jackheart, noted motivational speaker and men’s health speaker, joins us today for his breakdown of the college football season, and how it can revolutionize your life, your lovelife, your marriage, the way you drive, your ability to chop vegetables with precision, and your destiny. Take it away, Tom!

You must love your life in order to love your life. And in order to have the love you need to love your life to its fullest, that love must come from yourself. That means you have to love yourself first. Not easy, guys?

Wrong! You love yourself all the time and I know you do, because it all starts with the most important thing to a man: his penis. You think you know your penis like the back of your hand, but let’s face it: you really know the back of your hand like you know your penis.

But I’m telling you that in order to have that ultimate love, you have to get to know the soul of your manhood. Guys, that’s not easy-believe me, I know! I didn’t get from the minimum security ward of the Florida prison system where I was incarcerated for a crime I didn’t commit to where I stand before you today by lacking self-knowledge. A good lawyer helped, too!

(Pause for laughter. None comes. He proceeds.)

I got here by knowing myself, and not just in that cheap, frenzied way you practice daily. I know you’re saying to yourself: hey, I’ve “known myself” in bus station bathrooms, middle school parking lots, at the bathroom at work, and all over this great nation of ours. But I’m telling you: that’s not real self-knowledge. Understand the soul of your manhood, and understand yourself.

One way we can achieve this understanding is through analogy, so let’s take a look together through the lens of college football. Let’s learn. Let’s discover. Let’s meet your penis in a football uniform.

USC

Some of you are USC. It’s huge, right? And you’ve done some pretty amazing things with it, putting it wherever you liked for a long time, sometimes against the odds, and everyone knew about it thanks to some pretty good publicity from those you worked with, eh? You probably even steered a boat or two with it from time to time, or played the ol’ wristwatch trick on a friend or two.

Now, though, you’re a bit down. Maybe it’s work. Maybe it’s the pressure of sustaining that performance. Maybe you’ve gotten-wait for it!-cocky? Now you’ve…how shall we say this…turned the ball over a bit too many times recently?

If this is you, you’re in possession of a USC manhood. Proud! Highly visible! And burdened with great expectations. It’s not easy being able to carry not just the towel but several dishrags and a bathrobe on your manhood, so pressure and high expectations is always the name of the game for you. Sometimes, this means dominating championship performances! Sometimes, it means drooping late against Stanford. It’s work keeping something so heavy up for so long.

Texas Tech.

So you’re not the biggest guy. In fact, you might bend in a slightly different direction than anyone else-several inches in a different direction, actually. That’s fine, because with the way you do things, good word gets out one way or another. (more…)

We know that Tommy Bowden’s head is on the chopping block for the fifth season in a row at Clemson, meaning that you think the man would take some offensive chances once in a while. He really didn’t need to against Maryland this Saturday in a game where both James Davis (129 yds, 29 carries) and C.J. Spiller (106 yds, 17 carries) both gained over 100 yards in a 30-17 win.

This achievement gave Bowden untold points in his NCAA 2007 profile on XBox and also ensured that he could continue to ask Cullen Harper to make the short throws and efficient decision making that are hallmarks of the Rod Spence offense. It also meant that with a substantial lead, Bowden could monkey around a bit if he chose to during the waning minutes of the game.

But going for a 434 yard field goal with 2 seconds left in the first half? Forget any complaints about Mark Richt. That is classless behavior of the tenth degree, and elicited the following comment from his father, Florida State coaching legend Bobby Bowden: “Applesauce mmmrrrph.”

Classless by any means: the 434 yard field goal.

(Massive HT: KP.) The other telling bit from this outlandish attempt: with a field of around 500 yards in length, Maryland finally has an excuse why they, with offensive genius Ralph Friedgen in control of the offense now, the Terps linger at 82nd in total offense with a mere 23.88 points a game.

Autumn Thunder has the real story on the spread offense: it’s obviously a communist plot.