Guest columnist and recently fired sports journalist Ted Sheehan joins us for his commentary on this week's poll.
Ted Sheehan, guest columnist.
You know, this polling thing isn't that hard, people. It's just not! It's all part of something I can slam into a series of sentences I call a column like I slam riblets into my mouth at my favorite local watering holes. Riblets! I'd eat 'em for breakfast.
You see: just put the undefeated teams at the top.
Why?
Because undefeated teams haven't lost, and this means they're good.
Good teams don't lose? See, it's simple like that. You only get to the top if you play like a champion every week, and that's why I'm making it easy for you.
For example: Kansas is undefeated. But so is Ohio State, and so is Hawaii. You see a problem, I see a solution. (That's why I get paid to write this, people!)
Just put them in order of the number of times they've been on television. Ohio State? They're on television all the time, so they must be good. Put them first. Hawaii? They're always the late game, so they're number two.
Kansas? Please! They don't have a football team. Ha! I know they do. But I couldn't pick them out of a lineup. So put them at 23, because that's where teams with undefeated records I've never seen go in my poll. Keeps them happy.
But really, not doing this is like trying to decide what good music is without looking at the charts or what good television is like without looking at the ratings. Because people in large numbers? They're always right.
Perfect example: CSI. It's number one because it's the best. I love it. Sometimes, my third wife gets upset at the gore, but that's ok--I tell her that if she doesn't like it, I'll just divorce her and get another wife! Then she cries and leaves the room.
Life's funny sometimes!
It's science, though--if Gil Grissom didn't assume each murder was much more complex than it appeared, Las Vegas would be full of punks killing people at will. And then where would I buy my Tommy Bahama shirts? AT THE MALL? Please, you're being silly. You can't buy them at the mall.
And music--right now, the number one album is Bruce Springsteen's Magic, and he deserves it. Why? Because he's the best! Just awesome. I own it all. He's the ultimate American troubadour and all those albums prove it. If you don't like him, you really need to look at yourself, because there's a hollow evil something in you if you don't like him and his gloomy, introspective mumbling about workers, factories, and how he feels about them and stuff.
Glory Days! They'll pass you by!
I know they have for me!
Because my penis won't get hard anymore. Seriously. Not even with meds. Just a soft, useless pee-hose between my flabby legs.
Life's funny sometimes!
So I'm almost at my column word limit. Britney Spears joke! Because the kids like her. At least the non-Satanist kids.
And just want to remind you that undefeated teams are good, and defeated teams are bad. A million people can't be wrong: just look at ESPN or Nazi Germany. I don't know a lot about history, mind you, but the History Channel's helping me out with that, and the Nazis really knew how to throw a party, judging from all the pictures of uniforms and stuff.
Just kidding, folks! They were 0-2 in their conference, meaning I couldn't rank them anywhere near the top 25. Because they have a loss!
Life's funny sometimes!
Ted Sheehan may not join us again. But he reminds you that his penis doesn't work, and he could really use help with that because wifey numero tres is weeping uncontrollably and won't stop.