The Catlab: enter it at your own risk. You may remember the trippy K-State video from a few months back. If you don’t, take some mescaline and stare at a picture of the K-State mascot for five hours, and you’ll get the same effect, only with more vomiting.

More product has emerged from the frightening minds behind the Catlab, and the subject is Notre Dame. They may deny it to the end, but we’re certain that if you could put an antenna up and pick up the film playing inside most Notre Dame fans’ minds, it would look eerily similar to this.

HT: The unstoppable BearMeat.

USC QB Mark Sanchez is a Mexican-American, and wants to show his pride in his heritage by putting his money where his mouth is-with his mouthpiece.

Against Notre Dame, Sanchez wore a mouth guard that featured the colors of the Mexican flag, which was made at his request by the team dentist.

“He put the eagle with the snake on it — it was looking sweet so I had to wear it,” said Sanchez, who is of Mexican descent.

Sanchez’s stint at qb has created the hint of a quarterback controversy, something which may abate if Sanchez performs well in the beehive din of Autzen Stadium this weekend against Oregon. Our editorial position just shifted to Sanchez for starter for two entirely logical reasons:

1. We’re huge fans of NAFTA, and we’re sure that Sanchez is the more NAFTAish qb, being the product of a Mexican import. Adam Smith, represent!

2. His fans wear Mexican outfits in the stands:

“Sanchez said he enjoyed supportive gestures from USC fans. One wore a serape and others have donned wrestling masks.

“That’s fun. I love it. It’s just all part of it,” Sanchez said. “The band’s going to start playing, ‘Lean Like a Cholo,’ or something. Sweet.”"

As long as this doesn’t get Carlos Mencia involved, we’re on board the Sanchez bandwagon. A world with more wrestling masks is a world we can live in happily. Sanchez has taken the majority of snaps this weekend, and will likely get the start versus the Patos de Oregon.

Oh, blank godless sky: why rain on precious me?

Welcome to the press conference, journalists and assorted nincompoops. Your mongoloid brains probably don’t understand the words coming out of my mouth, but first, I will assure you in your own barbarous tongue that I am no threat to you.

HEY! ME PERSON TOO! NO HURT! NO HURT! (Tosses candy and beer towards the reporters.)

Also allow me to assure you that the folding chairs laid out in front of you mean you no harm. Sure, you may perceive their strange forms to be some form of predatory plant, like a Venus Flytrap waiting to gobble your tubby buttocks up in a single snap and gulp. Again, I address you in a form of speech you can understand, cretins.

CHAIRS NO BITE! CHAIRS FRIEND! SIT! (Reporters sit, and more beer and candy is tossed.)

Good, good. You know, I could have been so much more than a football coach in real life. I could have written coy anthropological/neurological texts examining the interactions between the overmanned human mind and its hostile environment. I could have engineered clever and daring arctic expeditions, like being the first man to cross the polar caps on a riding lawnmower. I could have gone to law school, dammit.

Instead, I damn myself to this. Why? Oh, the eternal query, no? Why does man make himself his own worst enemy? Why did Hamlet hesitate? Why did Darwin wait so long to publish Origin of Species? Why can’t Duncan Sheik make a new album? All great questions you can’t possibly understand.

For example, examine this quote of mine from this week’s press conference:

Question: What kind of adjustments could you have made?

Callahan: Oh, I think it’s probably too technical for you, but I think in the broad spectrum of adjustments, just playing the quarterback a little bit better on the zone read in terms of the front assignments… I don’t want to get into coachspeak, but there were a lot of things in terms of front adjustments that you have to deal with. I think our coaches were dealing with that to the best of their ability.

You see, sometimes people need great lies just to make their little brains work. I bring my attack and my pared-down, merely 600 page playbook to the burnt-out, hollow damnation that is the middle of the country, and what thanks do I receive? Merely millions of dollars and constant bumptious bumpkin blather about my “results.”

Heels! Results are not art. At my soul, perhaps that is my greatest quality. “A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat others.” That’s Ayn Rand, and that in its quintessence is the collection of magnificent flesh and whirring brain cells you see in front of you, Bill Callahan! I don’t win-I achieve. Look at my record for proof of that, as it’s chocked full of winless achievement.

So go read The Fountainhead, corn syrup worshipping dotards. I’m off to the archery range. And to bid you adieu, I speak in your own degraded patois, which I lifted from the flickering box of images you worship in place

NO FIRE! GETTING BUYOUT! SUCK IT! (throws candy and beer at reporters, who shuffle out befuddled.)

The Body Count for week eight of college football season grows long and fearsome. Tread lightly.

-Tim Tebow is “banged up,” a medical term of great vagueness. It’s his right shoulder, his non-throwing one and the very same one diagnosed by Dr. Gary Danielson on the broadcast. At the rate Danielson’s been making accurate snap calls as the color guy on CBS, we predict that any and all premonitions of the rapture made by him will be one hundred percent accurate. If heard, immediately repent.

-Georgia RB Thomas Brown (collarbone) and Kregg Lumpkin (knee) are both out against Florida. Fortunately, Knowshon Moreno’s been running countertops, so he’s ready, fit, and itching to play.

-Addition! Georgia Tech’s Tashard Choice will miss the November 1st game against Virginia Tech following knee surgery today (Thanks, Asim!). Quoth Chan Gailey: “I’m not getting fired. I’m being ‘voluntarily transitioned’.”

-Nebraska, already taking on water through gaping torpedo holes, takes a few more just below the mizzenmast with linebacker Blake Lawrence (ankle) defensive lineman Brandon Johnson, center Brett Byford, and linebacker Bo Ruud (10/22, knee) all questionable for Saturday’s game against Texas.

-The North Carolina Tarheels’ Tackle Andre Barbour and cornerback Jermaine Strong suffer injuries of the disciplinary sort, Barbour for weed-related infractions and Strong for “undisclosed reasons.” (Stealing precious gems from impenetrable vaults? Trafficking in exotic animals? Cutting the heads off parking meters?) Both will miss this Saturday’s game due to suspensions. Brandon Tate is probable following some noggin trouble of the concussed variety.

-Notre Dame running back James Aldridge is questionable for the game against Navy due to a sprained ankle and crushed spirit.

-Ohio State tackle Todd Denlinger is questionable with a leg injury for Penn State, along with linebacker Ross Homan (toe).

-Oklahoma State has someone on defense injured. Doesn’t really matter, does it?

-West Virginia will be going for the hands, as Rutgers qb Mike Teel’s right hand is bruised and has him probable for the WVU game.

-South Florida gets thinner on the line as starting tackle Walter Walker is out indefinitely with an MCL sprain against UConn.

-Tennessee receivers Josh Briscoe and Lucas Taylor are both sidelined by concussions to their toes. We mean, a toe injury and a concussion, respectively. Though we’re sure a toe concussion, if possible, would hurt with the fire of a thousand burning stars.

-UCLA’s middle of the defense is just done plain flat-out jacked-up, so injured only Cletus-ian parlance can describe it.

-Virginia Tech corner Victor “Macho” Harris is probable for VT’s Thursday nighter against Boston College. He’ll play because, you know. He’s Macho.

-Most intriguing injury of the week: Noel Devine may miss Saturday’s game against Rutgers due to “personal issues.”

Dan Hawkins’ blog sounds a bit like the sadly defunct Tressel’s World: an internet Potemkin Village actually constructed by a deranged college football fan with too much time on his/her hands and in the grip of a wicked fascination with home hovercraft technology. We were prepared for disappointment and the inevitable dwindling of the blog to nothing but a final post and sad internet silence.

Yet Coach Dan Hawkins’ blog is not only real-it will fucking change your life, brother. Because Dan Hawkins knows you’re not living life to the fullest, and he’s got the blinding html skills and excerpts from motivational handbooks and half-baked eastern philosophy texts to shoot gallons of metaphysical nitrous into those underperforming cylinders of yours, as evidenced by this awesome screenshot. Be the bow!

He quotes Clint Black at the top, something we’d make fun of if we didn’t earnestly love like at least ten Clint Black songs. That midget can rock, albeit in a countryish, paralyzed on one side of his mouth kind of way. We like to think of Clint Black as what Terry Bowden looks like in his wildest fantasies, where he’s tearing ass on a horse across the Western landscape with Catherine Bach on the back of his saddle and his shirt open to reveal ripped pecs and abs.

But don’t limit him to country, spirit-prison-warden:

Music? I am going with the ole standby, Van Morrison. Again, don’t listen to the top 40 stuff of Brown Eyed Girl. Dig a little deeper, some great soul searching going on there!

Oh, Coach Hawkins. You make us want to curl up on a brown couch in a brown house decorated in various shades of brown, eating fondue, listening to Van Morrison, and just enjoying the mellow vibe of our new, multilevel contemporary house, all soaked in before a drive in the new Audi, maybe a little raquetball at the club, and then a relaxing dip in the hot tub with some Riunite while Gaucho plays in the background.

(HT: MK)

Stop already. You post pics someone has already posted on the internet for all to see, and suddenly people are like, “WAAAA!!! Let kids have fun,” and “WAAAAAA!!! Those pictures aren’t really public because they’re on facebook,” and “WAAAAAAA!!! I was drugged and tied up for those and you’ve just compromised my jury trial.”

So call the WAAAAAAAAmbulance and take it to somewhere other than Swindle General, where our specialty is treating boredom, something Matthew Stafford never seems to suffer from in Athens, Georgia. Our crack spies bring us these pictures from Georgia’s bye week, where Stafford and running back Knowshon Moreno spent the time supermanning ho’s and decorating bellies with what appears to be “a frosting gun,” according to our analysts.

It’s good to see that Ozzy Osbourne is out there communing with the young people, staying limber and keeping up with the trends and whatnot. (more…)