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SOUTH CAROLINIANS AGAPE AT SCOOTERS, MAGIC TRICKS

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Helmets are for football, sissies.

South Carolina football players are taking to two wheels to get from point A to point B on campus by purchasing scooters. The fact that you know this means South Carolina is playing Vandy this weekend, and therefore has little to talk about football wise save Spurrier shuffling quarterbacks, which qualifies as news nowhere.

The locals' response to the scooters is the part we find actually newsworthy:

"You pull it up right in the motorcycle or the bike racks. You get some weird looks, but it saves you money," said receiver Scott Spurrier, son of USC coach Steve Spurrier.

Josephiah, what be that tarnation cursed machine what runs without pedals or ruckus? Satan's Motion Throne let loose to wreak havoc and damnation from its tiny headlights, that's what it is! Shoot it, Josephiah! It's like them Velociraptors in Jurassic Park, but with one glowin' yeller eye like the horned goat of the apocalypse! Alert the congregation! We'll have none of it 'til the last puttering wheeled-devilchair leaves this world in the flames what it came from! Kerosene, Josephiah! Kerosene NOW!!!

(HT: Out of Conference.)