The game matters and features the number two team in the nation and it's bed-jumping maniac of a coach versus last year's Big East insurrector, Rutgers. But those are logical reasons you'd watch the game. You'd watch the game anyway, eyeslut, even if it were UTEP squaring off in an exhibition game versus a bullring filled with excitable live panthers live from Cartagena.
Ten reasons the true devotee might watch the game tonight between USF and Rutgers:
10. Count the number of Sopranos references. Without Gandolfini sighting, over/under stands at 8; with a Gandolfini sighting, over/under spikes to 15.
9. Cringe as you listen to the wind rip across the second most endangered forest in the world, the exotic and irreplaceable fibers of Jim Leavitt's vocal cords. When it fails, he will communicate via a Stephen Hawking voice box hooked up to a bullhorn. BLOCK OUT AND TACKLE YOU FUCKING FUCK ARRRGGGHHHH [/Hawking}
8. To see if Singlet Guy dare cross into Jersey wearing the immortal singlet and cape, and if he is allowed to leave the state alive with it.
7. Ray Rice ran on the South Florida defense for 200 yards last year at USF, so intrepid gamblers can wager on him easily doubling that in front of a friendly home crowd. Free advice, friends: 400 yards!!! We won't even charge for it! Wagering is fun!
6. Matt Grothe will do something jaw-droppingly dumb immediately following praise from announcers. Another rule of the universe fulfilled in front of your very eyes.
5. Chris Fowler will leap from the booth in suicidal glee at his final escape from Flutie and James before landing harmlessly on a hot dog vendor's pile of buns and being forced after the "equipment failure" to do the next Thursday's game with...Craig James and Doug Flutie. Look in his eyes, viewer--those are the dead eyes of mad despair.
4. Marvel at the misplaced mascot that is the Scarlet Knight: with six huge, gray, plaque-encrusted teeth, he really should be not the Garden State's mascot, but West Virginia's, instead.
See? Six huge teeth.
3. Bulls kicker Delbert Alvarado is 7-12 on the season, which should be good, clean fun for everyone concerned...especially if ESPN's field mike gets really close to Jim Leavitt, with or without the Steven Hawking voicebox. I WILL RIP YOUR LEGS OFF AND BEAT YOU TO PUDDING ALVARADO GARRRGGGG [/hawking]
2. Continue to struggle to come up with a proper comparison for Matt Grothe's unique visage. We're going with the love child of frequently mentioned blog-idol Charles Bronson and an African Bird Eating Toad.
1. Pray for USF's sake that their newest, most vocal fan doesn't have the same win-depleting effect she had on her alma mater. Another rule of cosmic law: the more her team loses, the bigger her boobs get!
USF, welcome to the loss column. Don't blame us. Blame the Sterger curse.
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