1. We’re a published quarter-author, and will prove it to you in person. Come see Warren St. John and ourselves at the Barnes and Noble in Buckhead for the book signing for our masterpiece of bathroom reading, The ESPN Guide to Psycho Fan Behavior. We’re going to Kramer’s afterwards, a bar in North Atlanta. We’ll need a ride, since we’ve never been to this…this…”Buckhead” you speak of, auslander.
2. More profanity-free writingmay be found at the Sporting News, where we match beers to the major games of the week. We’ll do a sex toys version on EDSBS next week just because we like the idea of casting Bama/Tennessee as a $200 Eroscillator Vibrotron of a game.
3. Your pockets are heavy! Purchase. It’s the American thing to do. Hey, it’s like Chik-Fil-A! Free sample lady comin’! (Click on the image to see full-size.)
Lou Holtz is a hard man. He tore a Tennessee fan a new asshole when his hat was stolen in Knoxville once. He frequently got into the facemasks of linemen three times his size. And once, when cornered in a bar in Bolivia, he killed Che Guevara with half a beer bottle and a two shoelaces knotted together. Do. Not. Fuck with Lou Holtz.
His name itself means “hard wood.” Listen to Lou set off the gigglebox in Rece Davis with a single sentence. (Massive HT: Adam from the fine blog Here Come The Pretzels.)
Awful Announcing has another outstanding Holtzism from last night, but we think Holtz turned the corner from periodically annoying teleprechaummentator to broadcasting genius when they started letting him do whatever the hell he wanted to…and after a lifetime of coaching and showing up on time and scheduling, Lou’s finally matured into full-blown kookdom. As commenter Oops Pow Surprise puts it:
How did Lou Holtz go from “should not be on television†to “should be on every single channel of television simultaneously†this quickly? After the last three weeks of insanity, I want to put him on top of a St. Bernard and give him his own 5-hour talk show on Animal Planet.
We’d buy the dog ourselves, OPS. Especially for a man who says this on the air:
“That’s like comparing Joan Collins to Linda Evans.”- Lou Holtz
“Now for a more modern reference, like Eva Longoria to Teri Hatcher.”- Rece Davis
“I don’t know who that is.”- Lou Holtz
Lou Holtz, we crave our next inspirational speech. You can work magic even without ripping a newspaper in half and making it whole again.
Tonight’s ESPN tilt, in addition to reeking of revenge for Florida State, should earn your viewership for at least ten other reasons.
10. Jim Grobe’s mesmerizing tradition of taking a power nap in the middle of the third quarter. The laid-back Grobe…so…sleepy…
9. Chris Fowler’s pregame chili-fueled vengeance gas, vented in bilious, eye-scorching clouds in retaliation for being forced to sit in a box with Craig James for four hours a week. Watch James wince if you don’t believe us.
8. Three words: TOUCHDOWN, DE’CODY FAGG!!! If he can’t beat the shit out of any man living after being saddled with that name, life’s simply not fair.
7. Fake name to watch, Wake Forest: Chantz McClinic. This is the name you’re supposed to sign in with at public health when you get your syphilis test done. Negative! Dodged your wily arms again, Spanish Pox!
6. Fake name to watch, Florida State: Mister Alexander.
5. Erin Andrews sideline duel to the finish with Jenn Sterger should result in spectacular decapitation finish. THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!
4. Xavier Lee should score numerous times for both teams. He’s giving like that.
3. Watch because his dead eyes will show you the evil you know is in your murky soul.
You know nothing. Hell is only a word. The reality is much, much worse.
2. Enjoy the festive tradition of Wake Forest losing four quarterbacks to injury before November. If this occurs tonight, tight end John Tereshinski will take over and then throw 3 tds for a victory for the Demon Deacons.
1. The possibility that Bobby Bowden drives to the game and, mistaking the gas pedal for the brake when parking, drives through a fence and onto the field, injuring 23 people and forcing a forfeit for the Seminoles.
Oh, what better time to be facing a team with the potential to beat you by 70: Texas A&M will be going into their matchup against Texas Tech with self-reported violations chasing them after a press conference today regarding the exclusive newsletter sold by Dennis Franchione to a select group of boosters for $1,200 a year.
Aggie officials ordered the shutdown of CoachFran.com and “admonished” Coach Fran this morning in the press conference. In case you’re reaching for the thesaurus right now, never mind. Just put on a straw hat, a fake handlebar mustache, and waggle your finger firmly at yourself in the mirror while calling your reflection “a scandalous rapscallion scamp of a tramp’s son!” That’s admonishment, and one can only hope the meeting between Franchione and officials took place in exactly this manner.
The emails are now out, and in scoping through them the Harold Hill shenanigans of Franchione’s weekly game preps are detailed lovingly by the actual author of the emails, Mike McKenzie, Franchione’s longtime assistant and one of the guys who helped get Mike Price $22 million dollars from Sports Illustrated. Our favorite thus far involves a group of Rangers staging a mock abduction in the middle of a team meeting.
…two of the Rangers burst into the room portraying terrorists bearing (wooden fake) weapons. They “captured” Scott in front of the group and tied him up and blindfolded him, while the others held the players hostage. They were loud and chaotic and maniacal. Everyone was mesmerized.
Then suddenly, eight other Rangers in full field dress, as the good guys, sprang into the room’s three entrances and overpowered the terrorists, freed Scott, and secured the room. Their exercise started with a bang-a fake gas bomb (a balloon they exploded) that certainly got everyone’s attention.
Coach Fran loves commandos! He promised he’d kill you last…BUT HE LIED.
It’s Medieval Times every day with Dennis Franchione! Live performances! Stunning surprises! Pat Benatar playing in the back room! With showstopping skills like this, Franchione’s success as a future mogul in Branson, Missouri is guaranteed.
Seriously: he’s fried? Toast? Done, right? May we assume the Tuberville, Gruden, and other rumors may begin in earnest? And that with Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, and Missouri still on the schedule, the only commando raids happening in the Aggie locker room will be from hired guns doing boosters’ bidding and doing a little extraordinary rendition on Fran? He could be in a Syrian prison by November at this rate. EXCELSIOR!!!
Wannstached! Running back LeSean McCoy ran mad furlongs against Navy all night, but when the time came to daringly end the game before a third overtime, the Wannstache reverted to true form by passing with his freshman qb not once, but twice on both third and fourth down to botch away the Navy game. Quoth Wannstedt:
If I had the same situation, I would do it again.â€
This may bring back nasty flashbacks for Bears fans. Quoth Wannstedt after going for two points and failing at the end of a 1997 game against the Miami Dolphins:
“Would I do it again?,” Wannstedt said. “Definitely. It looked like the ball was just overthrown a little bit.”
Holth wath magnifithent, though. Lou Holtz was in legendary form last night. Holtz threatened to punch Mark May in the face, ripped Wannstedt rightfully for not running on third down before going for it on fourth down at the goal line, referred to the flexbone as the wishbone all night, and was talking with his mouth full of whatever heart-attack-in-a-bun they were given in the middle of the broadcast long after May and Davis daintily nibbled and went back to the broadcast. Holtz is quickly becoming the demented uncle with progeria we never had.
Texas A&M will divuge the contents of emails sent to Aggie boosters by Dennis Franchione in his $1200 a year subscription newsletter in a news conference this morning. To make things look even sketchier than they might already look, the emails were difficult to recover because they weren’t sent from campus computers.
600 pages=6 points. Someone, as a reader put it, “sneaked into Bill Callahan’s fortress of mediocrity” and snapped a photo of Bill Callahan’s playbook.
Dem’s many pages for 6 points against Missouri.
Department of Specious Rumors: Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated allegedly made himself at home in Baton Rouge on Saturday night:
The pressbox gets a call from press will call saying that somebody claiming to be Rick Reilly is here wanting up to the press box. One of the SID’s goes downstairs to check (Reilly had not requested any credentials before hand) and in fact it was Rick Reilly. He appeared to be drunk/stoned and was accompanied by a blonde that my friend’s wife described as “looking like a stripper.” Given that it was Rick Reilly, he was allowed up to the press box. Where he proceeded to spend the whole game making out with his friend. One of the other SIDs was quoted saying “those two need a room bad.”
We had no idea Rick Reilly was so debauched, so reckless, and so…cool. Who knew someone who gave two shits about the ineffective form of landscaping called golf could be that metal? PRESS BOXES OF THE WORLD, RICK REILLY CLAIMS THEM FOR HIS RUTTING-SPACE!!!
(HT: Billy in Baton Rouge.)
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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