October 10, 2025

TEN REASONS TO WATCH NAVY AT PITT

Wednesday night and football go together like the Tilt-A-Whirl and a belly full of suspect, past-date chicken wings and jello shots. Yet here they are, slammed into the middle of the week whether you like it or not, and you will watch because it’s YAY FOODBALL!!! and therefore at least worthy of a peek. You’ve already wasted half the week-why stop now?

(We would have had this up sooner, but our server had a stroke. It’s doing fine and resting comfortably now.)

10. The many poses of Dave Wannstedt, pt. 1: “I’d hit that.”


Seriously. I would.

9. Wannstedt has already demanded 28 points from his offense. He has also requested that Firefly be brought back on air. He’s just in a demanding kind of mood today.

8. Navy quarterback Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada and his name, which is Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada, which will be pronounced with glee by the announcers every shot they get.

7. Davis/Holtz/May will call the game, meaning that with the inclusion of Holtz, the broadcast to this game just went from “scattered amusement” to “partly amusing with a 75% chance of being totally fucking surreal.”

6. The many looks of Dave Wannstedt, part two: “Dave Sings Benny Mardones.”


I’d pick youuuuuuuu up…and take you into the night….

5. Watch for mention of Pitt running back LaRod Stephens-Howling, the most aristocratic name in all of college football who should be sitting on the bench sipping a Pimm’s while clipping the thorns off his prize rose bushes.

4. Navy’s defense gave up 46 to Duke, so Pitt definitely stands a chance of putting up 20. Maybe.

3. The many looks of Dave Wannstedt, part 3: “The whole right side of my face is going numb!”

2. Again. Lou Holtz is calling this game. He may say anything or do anything. He can do magic. He can even dance, as evidenced by the end of this clip.

1. Navy runs the triple option, and we adore cromag football. It doesn’t get more cromag than that.



Filed under: Big East Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, wannstache  by Orson Swindle

HATSPOTTING: THE WILD YOUTH OF LES MILES

Warning: all of this is a work of fiction. And strange. All you need know is that we joke about Les Miles loving taffy, and that no one can figure out whether he’s a fool or a genius or a bit of both. There. You’re armed. Proceed.

All illustrations by the incomparable Mr. 2Cents. Bow down in his presence.

You may wonder how a clean-cut, law-abiding Michigan man like Les Miles squares up with the free-wheeling, risk-friendly cowboy who went for it on fourth down five times during the Florida game. We asked the same question, and with a bit of flexing of the investigative muscles, we unearthed documents and conducted interviews with those who knew a younger, reckless Miles: a Miles of multiple identities, and a love for fast women, danger…and of course, salt-water taffy.

It’s a tale of excess, youthful ambition, and danger detailed in Emmet Richardson’s new book covering Miles’ early life entitled Hatspotting: The Savage Youth of Les Miles. Richardson said he became intrigued with Miles after reading Jim Carty’s column on why Miles wasn’t going to be the coach at Michigan next year. “One quote in particular intrigued me,” said Richardson from his home on Thursday.

“‘One of the drawbacks to basically growing up at Ann Arbor is that there are plenty of folks around town who remember Les Miles as a wild 20-something. That will work against him.’”

Richardson, piqued by the aside, put his investigative skills to use. And what he unearthed paints a picture of a man bent on success and thrills…no matter the cost. “He wasn’t just a man-he became an animal, controlled by his insatiable desire for more, more, more. For a few years, he truly was one of the most feared men in the nation, on par with Pablo Escobar, John Gotti, and Albert Belle.”

Exclusive excerpts follow. A warning to our readers: the following contains shocking situations and adult language.

Part One: Hatspotting.

Les, as a young man, coaches in Ann Arbor. Stifled professionally and bored during the offseason, Miles turns to other means to get the adrenaline fix he unwittingly craves.

“Miles got into the scene, and when he did, he slammed into it with the force of a car made of bricks hitting a brick wall or something. You ever put a chihuahua in one of those gallon zip-loc bags and filled it with Vienna Sausages? (more…)



Filed under: Big 10 Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

BLOGPOLL, WEEK SEVEN: FURTHER MADNESS

At some junction in the season, rank arbitrary judgment must peek its snout into the rankings and coexist with the scanty evidence of a half-season’s evidence. Nowhere is this more evident than in our poll this week, which we divide into:

The VIP. A velvet rope stretches across the poll around the seven or eight spot, depending on the week. Inside? A group of stone ballaz grippin’ and sippin’ only the finest promethazine and watching round mango rump maneuver in only the iciest of fashion. This is Prada, bitch. Don’t spill the Dom on it. Think Kanye West around right now: bloated, rolling in cash, and either poised to reign or fixing to plummet into a pit of self-indulgence.

9-19 :The madding crowd. People who either were in the VIP and lost their juice, or mad angry toughsters on the way in and gunning. The most unstable of the lot, they’re liable to get skunked in a bad street deal one week and then run savage game the next three matchups in a row. Darwinian competition and sheer ambiguity down here.

20-25: Just happy to be there, ceremonial invites. The odd paparazzi photo you see of Tony Robbins hanging out with 50 Cent, or perhaps old Studio 54 pics where Anwar Sadat is seen dancing with Bianca Jagger? That’s who these people are, the odd fits making an appearance either on the way to the madding crowd level or diving out to the nether-regions of middling college football. You’re name’s not on the list…but my, you’re flashing enough leg to get the bouncer’s attention. Come on in for a bit, mama.

Apologies, half-justifications, and capricious judgments admitted below. (more…)



Filed under: Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Big East Conference, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Mid Major Conferences, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference, blogpollin'  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 10/10/07

I throw for 400 yards, I call your defense poop. Chase Daniel, after throwing for 400 yards on Nebraska’s defense in a 41-6 Missouri win against the Huskers, thinks your defense sucks, Kevin Cosgrove.

“Cosgrove’s a very stubborn guy,” said Daniel, who threw for 401 yards in a 41-6 Tiger win. “It’s always been that way. . . . That’s just how he is, that’s how they are. They’re a bunch of confident guys in what they do, and they felt they had the best chance doing that, so they stuck with it.

“You can’t just play one defense the whole entire game,” Daniel said. “That’s like high school stuff.”

BUUUUUUURRRRRRRNNNN!!! The article then mentions the most damning stat of all: it is the fourth straight game the Huskers have allowed 400 yards plus of offense. Actually, that’s not completely accurate, since the Huskers actually allowed 600 yards of freakin’ offense to Missouri. To make himself feel better, Christian Peter drove to Florida, punched Danny Wuerffel in the throat, and drove back home in one night.

Investigating and cleaning up with power towel promptly: Kansas State will investigate possible violations of rules and is cooperating fully with an NCAA investigation, according to the school. The allegations involve three former football players and one employee of the university, which has you all thinking what we’re thinking: sex for grades, people. Sex for grades. Worked for us-how else does an enterprising young gentleman from Tennessee, barely equipped with the skills to read a Hardee’s Menu, graduate magna cum laude from the University of Florida?

(”I’d like the…uh…Tickburger?” “The Thickburger, you mean sir?” [cries] “I CAN’T READ WAAAAAHHHHH!!!” “That’ll be $5.24, sir.”)

Next message:TAAAIIIGAHHH BAAAIIIT!!! BEEP! Tim Tebow received “hundreds” of threatening cell phone messages before the LSU game. Tebow, while converting death row inmates to Christ and curing cancer with his tears, took the gamesmanship in stride.

After his first TD pass, Tebow pretended as if he had a cell phone in his left hand and dialed numbers with his right. He then put it up to his ear and stared into the stands at Tiger Stadium.

“They were having fun with me, so I was having fun with them, too,” he said. “It’s what college football is all about. It’s just fun, and I had fun with it. I know it probably got under their skin a little bit.”

The Messiahback forgives you, even though you know not what you do.

Nigella likes hairy men. We’re sooooooo in. She also wears suspenders to bed with nothing else but a pair of high heels. Jesus, DC Trojan, you’ve ruined our productivity for the next week, sir.


Nigella likes hairy men. Huzzah.



Filed under: Big 12 Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

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